Tag: superbowl

Superb Owl League Cancels Its February 11 National Event

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February 10, 2024 – 6:45 AM CDT

The Superb Owl League has canceled its annual celebration of the well-known and popular bird of prey. SOL President Frank Greathorn made the last-minute announcement just a day before the grand gathering was set to take place just outside Las Vegas, Nevada, on February 11. “To my fellow members of SOL, there is no other way to put it: we are truly shit-out-of-luck,” Greathorn sighed. “The Budget 5 Motel informed us that it was raising their room rate to $1555.55 per night for the weekend due to some other event happening in Las Vegas on Sunday. I knew this would not fly with our parliament of owl lovers.” Greathorn was puzzled when he found every hotel and motel within 100 miles was completely booked. “Who wants to go anywhere but a Caribbean island on a weekend in February?” he asked no one in particular, while shaking his head.

SOL Secretary Andrea “Snowy” Wheitoul noted that in the ’50s and early ’60s, their gala event was always a smashing success. She noted that they haven’t had a trouble-free Superb Owl Sunday gathering in more than fifty years even after changing the date from early- to mid- to late-January over the years, before settling on the first Sunday in February almost 20 years ago. In 2022 SOL made the bold step to move the signature event out one more week to avoid further problems, but still they persisted. “Who is to blame for our string of bad luck, I wonder. Who?”

At press time a flabbergasted Greathorn was receiving offers on craigslist of nearly $3000 for his Kansas-City-to-Las-Vegas roundtrip ticket.

Liz Cheney Censured For Taking Knee At Super Bowl To Pick Up Dropped Hot Dog

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WASHINGTON – The Republican National Committee overwhelmingly voted to censure Representative Liz Cheney for taking a knee at the Super Bowl to pick up the hot dog she dropped during the halftime show. Cheney was on her knee for nearly one minute while she was reaching under her seat to find and retrieve the errant tube steak. RNC chair Ronna McDaniel said that Cheney’s unpatriotic act of disrespect and moral depravity was clearly timed to coincide with rapper Eminem taking a knee as Dr. Dre performed “I Ain’t Mad at Cha.”

An anonymous source, who wishes to remain so for fear of being censured a second time in just over a week, revealed that party members were dumbfounded that the NFL, an American institution that is paid by the US military at taxpayers’ expense to allow its patriotic displays before games, could allegedly allow such an insult to our troops by Cheney.

As Cheney dug around for the wayward hot dog, caught on the jumbotron for all to see, her stance stretched her jeans tight across her derriere, prompting right wing mouthpiece Charlie Kirk to tweet that the NFL had become a “league of sexual anarchy.” A confused Sean Spicer, press secretary for former president Donald Trump, added “What was the message of the half time show?”, which some believed was a reference to Cheney’s backside.

When asked for comment, Cheney said that the frankfurter was no longer edible and tossed it back under her seat.

Ornithologists Disappointed That Superb Owl Sunday Was Failure Once Again

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CINCINNATI AND LOS ANGELES – Owl enthusiasts were unsuccessful again this year in getting together to pay tribute to their favorite bird on what they have dubbed Superb Owl Sunday. The disappointment amongst the amateur and professional ornithologists was the Monday morning topic around office water coolers and elsewhere throughout the nation.

In Cincinnati, bird watcher Frank Greathorn had put together a “vote for your favorite owl” bracket and had arranged for his local group to have its yearly Superb Owl Sunday meetup at the local Hooters restaurant to announce the winner. As members arrived, wearing shirts emblazoned with likenesses of their favorite owls, they found that there were not any available tables and the bar area was standing room only. While speaking to the hostess, Greathorn could hear unusually raucous cheering and yelling at the televisions that seemed to be the focus of attention for the rowdy patrons.

Andrea “Snowy” Wheitoul of Los Angeles, a fan of the silent noctural birds of prey, was frustrated in her attempts to organize a Superb Owl Sunday potluck dinner and Powerpoint presentation for her friends at one of their houses. All of the women said that their husbands, boyfriends, or roommates had already planned to have their friends over to watch something or other on TV, eat nachos and wings, and get wasted on light beer.

Similar situations were seen in cities and towns all across the country. Bars and restaurants, especially those with TVs, were said to be have been packed. Empty boxes from big screen TVs were curbside at houses where people who seemed to completely misunderstand the meaning of Superb Owl Sunday had gathered.

Greathorn was dumbfounded as to why their traditional date of the first Sunday in February, postponed a week this year because of the pandemic, wasn’t like all the other uneventful Sundays in winter. He was reluctant to change the date, however, because “everyone has set the day aside since we first celebrated the Superb Owl with our humble beginnings in L.A. 56 years ago.”

“Who would have thought this would happen? Who, who, who?” Greathorn moaned.