Tag: spotify

BREAKING: Joe Rogan Removes Barry Manilow’s Music From Spotify

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JOE ROGAN’S BASEMENT – Joe Rogan unexpectedly announced on his podcast, The Joe Rogan Experience, that he has removed the entire catalog of Barry Manilow’s music from Spotify. Rogan, who cannot seem to leave well enough alone, has a contract with Spotify believed to be worth more than $100 million. He took this action after reading a report on social media by some unknown who gave no sources that Manilow had joined in the protest started by music legend Neil Young.

When reached for comment, Manilow denied ever being a part of any protest, saying of the rumor, “I don’t know where it started, but it didn’t start with me or anyone who represents me.” He continued, “Maybe Liberty Mutual started it. They might still be angry at me for writing the State Farm jingle.” Manilow also indicated that he didn’t have a clue who Joe Rogan was.

Shortly after Rogan’s announcement, a spokesperson for Spotify reaffirmed that the company fully supports Rogan. “Joe Rogan has a keen sense of when blatant censorship is appropriate or not. We respect his decisions,” the spokesperson said and added, “Joe made it clear that he will not engage in ‘cancel culture’ under any circumstances and we have no reason to doubt his sincerity on that.”

At press time, Rogan was said to be considering what to do with Dolly Parton’s music after learning more than a year after everyone else that her one million dollar donation to coronavirus research was used in part for development of Moderna’s COVID vaccine.

Spotify Down To Vanilla Ice, Nickelback, Joe Rogan

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NEW YORK – In an earnings advisory call, Spotify CEO Daniel Ek told analysts that he is certain that the departure of artists from the service has ended. Ek proudly announced that Spotify will retain Vanilla Ice and Nickelback as their leading artists, along with the Joe Rogan Experience podcast. In an offhand comment, he noted that Vanilla Ice and Nickelback are the only artists still on Spotify.

Ek expressed confidence in Spotify’s focused portfolio of artists pointing out that with the lack of competition from talented artists, Vanilla Ice’s “Ice Ice Baby” has rocketed to the number one spot on the service with three streams daily, earning Ice a “well deserved” commission of $0.009 per day. Nickelback’s performance on the service has not met expectations, according to Ek, who did not elaborate further.

Rogan’s show will continue in its present form, analysts were told, including the presentation of every possible mistruth about COVID-19, the pandemic, vaccines, and cures that do not stand a snowball’s chance in hell of working for even one single person. They were assured that Spotify is still working with Rogan to determine the best way for him to continue to generate huge profits for the company by continuing his unfettered crusade to dangerously mislead the American public, while still appearing to comply with the service’s recently announced rules.

Spotify’s multiyear contract with Rogan, allegedly worth at least $100 million, will continue. Ek revealed that in light of the large number of subscription cancellations and the cost of Rogan’s contract, Spotify would have to impose a small increase in their subscription fee. Effective March 1st, the monthly fee will be $2000.

“You can have Rogan and Vanilla Ice. Both.” Ek added.

Baby Shark And Family To Remove Music Catalog From Spotify

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THE SEAS – Baby Shark and its family are the latest high profile musicians to direct Spotify to remove their music catalog from the popular service over the continued misinformation regarding COVID-19 and the vaccines promoted on the Joe Rogan Experience podcast. The Shark family was said to have demanded that its entire catalog of one song be taken off Spotify immediately. Although “Baby Shark” achieved record You Tube views and continues to drill into the heads of parents nationwide, its removal is expected to have little impact on Spotify’s profits since no child anywhere has simply listened to the song, but instead has wanted to stare into a screen and sing along with the repetitive and hypnotic video.

The family decided to take action after legendary musician Neil Young gave Spotify an ultimatum: Young or Rogan, but not both. Every single person stopped on the street for a comment on the Shark family decision commended them, but admitted they would reluctantly choose Rogan to get one step closer to never hearing that damn “Baby Shark” earworm again.

The Sharks made it clear that they wholeheartedly support vaccination and stated that Mommy Shark, Daddy Shark, Grandma Shark, and Grandpa Shark have all received both doses of the Pfizer vaccine as well as the booster. They indicated that Baby Shark will get the vaccine as soon as it is approved for aquatic mammals under the age of five.

When asked to comment, Baby Shark said “Doo doo doo doo doo doo.”

BREAKING: Spotify Implements Half-Assed Misinformation Measures, Joe Rogan Responds

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NEW YORK – Spotify CEO Daniel Ek today announced half-assed measures to address medical misinformation on the platform in response to criticism and action taken by high-profile artists and podcasters. The cover-your-ass measures, which won’t actually change a damn thing, were prompted by Neil Young, who gave an ultimatum to Spotify: “They can have Rogan or Young. Not both.” Spotify said that they would honor Young’s “request to take down his music,” twisting his words in an attempt to avoid responsibility and not offend Rogan, their golden cash cow, and gave an unceremonial boot to the music legend.

Ek explained that the company had not been transparent for many years regarding its secret content rules that it didn’t actually have until they were written a week ago. The rules, disclosed only when public pressure forced Spotify to do so, prohibit medical misinformation on their podcasts that would pose a danger to public health, particularly with regard to COVID-19 vaccines. As The Joe Rogan Experience could be heard playing in the background, Ek insisted he was serious about the rules, adding, “But we’re still working on how to apply these rules to podcast hosts that are generating enormous profits for the company.”

Ek proudly cited the new content advisory for programs that mention COVID-19, expected to be as meaningless and ineffective as those on Twitter and Facebook. “We plan on running the advisory often. As of today it will be daily sometime between 3:30 and 5:00 am.”

Responding to a press question regarding Rogan, Ek replied, “As we see it, since the pandemic began, Joe Rogan has been in full compliance with our vague rules that have many loopholes.” When told that his rules were “half-assed,” Ek retorted, “We look at the ass as half-full. You guys always look at it as if it’s half-empty!” Ek did not characterize Joe Rogan’s ass.

After Rogan’s podcast was finished for the day, he was spotted in an Agway feed store parking lot. When asked for comment on Ek’s announcement, Rogan took another swig out of his piss-filled water bottle and laughed as he went inside to pick up another bottle of horse dewormer.