Tag: satire

Satire postings

Superb Owl League Cancels Its February 11 National Event

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February 10, 2024 – 6:45 AM CDT

The Superb Owl League has canceled its annual celebration of the well-known and popular bird of prey. SOL President Frank Greathorn made the last-minute announcement just a day before the grand gathering was set to take place just outside Las Vegas, Nevada, on February 11. “To my fellow members of SOL, there is no other way to put it: we are truly shit-out-of-luck,” Greathorn sighed. “The Budget 5 Motel informed us that it was raising their room rate to $1555.55 per night for the weekend due to some other event happening in Las Vegas on Sunday. I knew this would not fly with our parliament of owl lovers.” Greathorn was puzzled when he found every hotel and motel within 100 miles was completely booked. “Who wants to go anywhere but a Caribbean island on a weekend in February?” he asked no one in particular, while shaking his head.

SOL Secretary Andrea “Snowy” Wheitoul noted that in the ’50s and early ’60s, their gala event was always a smashing success. She noted that they haven’t had a trouble-free Superb Owl Sunday gathering in more than fifty years even after changing the date from early- to mid- to late-January over the years, before settling on the first Sunday in February almost 20 years ago. In 2022 SOL made the bold step to move the signature event out one more week to avoid further problems, but still they persisted. “Who is to blame for our string of bad luck, I wonder. Who?”

At press time a flabbergasted Greathorn was receiving offers on craigslist of nearly $3000 for his Kansas-City-to-Las-Vegas roundtrip ticket.

Mrs. Claus Laments That Inflatable Yard Santa Has Gone Limp For The Year

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NORTH POLE (Dec. 31) – An elf, speaking on condition of anonymity, reported today that a disappointed Mrs. Claus was lamenting that her husband, who spent the Christmas season flaunting his enormous size from a New Jersey suburban lawn, was going limp for another twelve months. Santa Claus, the inflatable yard ornament and beacon of Christmas cheer, had carried himself high and firm since the day after Thanksgiving, much to the delightful anticipation of Mrs. Claus.

When reached for comment, Mrs. Claus said, “I look forward to Christmas every year. It’s the only time I have a chance to see what my husband is packing in that big sack.” In a breathy voice, she continued, “That big, big sack I saw him with in that yard!”

“I know he was busy, but I wished he’d have visited me. But again this year, he didn’t so much as come once,” she sighed.

The giant pump responsible for his temporarily expansive girth and height was turned off, leaving the Santa to deflate slowly, making a sound like a long satisfied sigh, as a smiling housewife stuffed the spent inflatable thing back into hiding.

Mrs. Claus, fighting back tears and sniffling, herself sighed, “It gets lonely at the North Pole, and well, a woman has–excuse me, I think I’ll… attend to something.”

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene Supports Reanimated Joe McCarthy To Fill George Santos Seat, Go After ‘Communist’ Democrats

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WASHINGTON – A fit-to-be-tied Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) today called the removal of George Santos from the House of Representatives “shameful.” Her posting on X, formerly Twitter, also declared that “Republican voters want us to stop the communist Democrat’s agenda…” Greene continued her rant, focusing mostly on the potential loss of a Republican-held seat to a Democrat in an upcoming special election, rather than on Santos’ character.

An hour later Rep. Greene posted again on X, indicating she would campaign for former senator Joseph McCarthy to replace Santos. “Joe and I will work hard to root out the communist Democrats in all levels of our government,” she wrote. McCarthy is famously known for leading Senate hearings in the 1950s that accused politicians and public figures of being secret members of the Communist party. He died in 1957.

When it was pointed out to Greene that McCarthy is no longer alive, she replied that she had a plan to use “a Jewish space laser” to reanimate his exhumed corpse “like they did with lightning in that documentary about Frankenstein.” Greene revealed, after being pressed for details, that she was referring to Young Frankenstein, the 1974 Mel Brooks comedy film.

Rep. Greene looked worried about strong competition for Santos’ seat when she was told of Donald Trump saying that “Frederick Douglass is an example of somebody who’s done an amazing job and is being recognized more and more.”

Santa Gets Elf On A Shelf To Do His Dirty Work

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NORTH POLE – Santa Claus announced today that he has secured the services of Elf On A Shelf to do his dirty work during this year’s holiday season. The red-suited jolly man, known to children for bringing gifts, was said to be most concerned about his image among the tykes.

“Surveillance and implied punishment is not a good look for someone who seeks the adoration of the little ones, so I had to pawn the bad shit off on a surrogate,” Saint Nick said. “Elf On A Shelf will take over for me to watch young ones 24/7 and scare the beejeezus out of them by his mere presence.” Smirking, he added “I’d like to thank parents everywhere for moving that dastardly Elf from room to room to browbeat their kids into behaving.”

Elf On A Shelf, who seemed to be quite excited about his assignment, had no comment, but simply sat there on the shelf with his all-knowing grin, side stare, and holding his crotch.

Congressman George Santos Charged With Impersonating Congressman George Santos

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WASHINGTON, DC – Congressman George Santos (R-NY) has been charged with impersonating Congressman George Santos, a federal official. Santos, who has issued a litany of false statements, including that his mother died from 9/11, that he was a collegiate volleyball star, and that his grandparents fled the Holocaust, denied that he was impersonating Santos.

“I didn’t say I was Santos. I said I was sans-toes. You’ll have to pardon my lapses into speaking French. After studying for and earning my PhD in Musicology at the Sorbonne – at the top of my class, I might add – I do that sometimes,” Dr. Santos offered. “About my toes, I lost them from an IED in Afghanistan when I sacrificed myself to save the lives of my CO and my whole platoon.”

Congressman George Santos had little to say about Congressman George Santos other than to offer a strong statement saying that, like him, Congressman George Santos is probably an honest, upstanding fellow who is just misunderstood. Santos referred journalists to political hopeful Anthony Devolder and drag queen Kitara Ravache, both of whom Santos said knew Santos well.

BREAKING: Titanic Tourist Sub Occupants Lost …And Oh, Another Refugee Boat Sank

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BOSTON, June 22, 2023 – Debris on the ocean floor near the wreck of the Titanic was confirmed to be from the tourist submersible Titan, leading authorities to announce today that the sub suffered from a catastrophic implosion. No remains of the five occupants on board have been located.

All major US television networks interrupted their regular programming at 3:00 pm EDT for a press conference that presented the recent findings of the unprecedented search and rescue operation. The search team identified specific sections of the submersible and continue to search for other pieces and for human remains. The names of each of the five occupants – three multi-millionaires, the son of one of them, and the pilot – were released to the public after next of kin had been notified. Further updates will be forthcoming over the next few days.

In the Mediterranean Sea, another refugee boat from Libya, or maybe Tunisia, capsized and sank, most likely drowning all of its occupants. The hundred, or maybe two hundred, unknown refugees were probably fleeing extreme poverty, a complete lack of medical care, and threats to their safety in their home countries, and they most assuredly spent all the money they had to buy passage to Europe aboard the severely overcrowded and poorly constructed boat. They might have been headed for an Italian island, maybe Pantelleria or Lampedusa, or maybe even Greece. This brings the total number of African and Middle Eastern refugees who have died at sea this year to over 800, or maybe 1000, or possibly around 2000. Details have been hard to obtain as media coverage, particularly by North American and Western European broadcasters, of this sinking and loss of lives continues to be set aside in lieu of the intense focus on the now-lost submersible in the North Atlantic Ocean. No further updates on this situation are expected.

Putin Pours American Vodka Down the Drain

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MOSCOW – Russian President and Accused War Criminal Vladimir Putin today announced a ban on the importation of American vodka into Russia. This order left Russian importers confused because they have never imported such “swill,” as they said, anyway. Putin was said to have delayed the order until his aides could scour the country for American vodka only to find just two bottles that visitors gave to Russian friends as a joke.

After a long-winded one-hour speech in which Putin, taking a cue from Venezuelan dictator Nicolas Maduro, blasted the United States for everything wrong in Russia, from the cost of sour cream to the traffic in Red Square and the weather in Sochi, Putin pulled out a red bucket from home improvement store Dacha Depot and set it on the floor in front of him.

Coming from out behind his lectern, Putin declared, “American president Biden has made the unacceptable and unforgivable decision to ban the importation of Russian vodka into his country. Today the great Russian Federation sticks its tongue out, puts its thumbs in its ears and waggles its fingers at America. Russia is banning the importation of American vodka into our most strong and most important nation.” With that Putin unscrewed the cap of the bottle of Seagram’s Sweet Tea flavored vodka and showing as much glee as he does when hearing the news of more women and children murdered by his troops in Mariupol, ceremoniously poured it into the plastic bucket. Putin then uncapped the bottle of Tito’s Handmade Vodka, studied the label for a moment and darted behind the lectern for a few moments, apparently fidgeting with something while hiding the bottle from view.

“Russia says nyet, nyet, nyet to the American warmongers!” the world’s most hated man declared, and emptied the second bottle into the bucket with a flourish, to the cheers of the oligarchs and army generals in attendance who then broke into a rousing chorus of “For He’s A Jolly Good Fellow” in Russian.

After the crowd dispersed, Putin could be seen easing his way back to the lectern, glancing around suspiciously before producing a glass of a clear liquid. Quickly downing it, he could be heard on a hot mic musing, “This Tito’s isn’t bad! Not bad at all!”

Trump Blames The Problem On Windmills

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PALM BEACH – In an exclusive interview given to a little-known far right news website, former President Donald Trump gave his insight on the nation’s latest big problem. Trump somehow connected the issue pushing the nation ever closer to its breaking point to the use of windmills to generate electricity.

The tall leggy blonde interviewer somehow managed to get Trump’s attention and stop his ranting about the 2020 elections to ask him how he would resolve the issue hanging over us all now that it is here. Trump leaned forward in his chair, made a diamond shape with his hands, and replied, “Well, and I said this a long time ago, we are playing right into their hands. Green energy. The windmills. They don’t work. They kill all the birds. And I’ve been preaching this for years. The windmills.”

Brushing a lock of hair out of her face and smiling at Trump, the reporter nicely asked him to elaborate on how this would get the country out of the bind it’s in. “The environmentalis love the windmills,” Trump continued. “The dodo birds. What about them? They’re the best birds. We don’t want to kill all the dodo birds. Frederick Douglass said to me this morning, ‘Sir, we can’t kill all the dodo birds.’ He’s done an amazing job and is being recognized more and more.”

As the interview dragged on without Trump saying a single thing about the problem itself, he finished by bragging, adding “I never understood wind and I’ve studied it better than anybody. Tremendous fumes, gases are spewing into the atmosphere. When George Washington Carver crossed the river he said, ‘Give me liberty or give me death!’ Those windmills. They kill all the birds. Why don’t they make flour while they make electricity? You know we have a world, right?”

Canada’s Beavers Rebel Against Tiring Role As National Symbol

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WASKAGANISH – At the National Conference of Beavers, held this year on the shores of Hudson Bay, the large-toothed delegates heartily endorsed a resolution expressing their exhaustion at living up to expectations as a national symbol that have been promulgated by tourist boards throughout Canada.

The resolution to push back at the demands of both tourists and travel agencies was proposed by Kingston delegate Rachel Longtooth and seconded by an unknown beaver from Wood Buffalo National Park in northern Alberta who was completely unaware that he was a national symbol. A voice vote received unanimous approval and was followed immediately by a standing-on-their-tails ovation.

“Look, we’re all proud of our country, but this aimless swimming around in circles with a stick in my mouth to please the tourists has got to end,” said an angry Harry Flattail from Algonquin Provincial Park. “It’s embarrassing,” he continued, explaining that he had better things to do, like chilling in his lodge with a cold one and watching the Leafs game on his 30 cm big screen TV. Flattail had especially harsh words for the rich American college kids out to find nature on their summer break. “Those hosers lose their shit when I slap the water with my tail and dive under.”

At the dinner buffet of grilled bark, fried wood shavings, and chicken wings, many of the attendees from areas that rarely see visitors were candid in not realizing the burden that their compatriots were shouldering for all beavers. The sense of camraderie grew as the short brown bottles of lager were uncapped. Jacques Mangeur de Bois, representing Saint-Jean-sur-Richelieu, made an impromptu plea to ask all beavers to pull together in the push toward rebellion. “Nous vivons ensemble! We live together!” he said, wiping a tear from his eye. This show of solidarity from the Quebecois led to a sing-along to the classic of the same name by another national symbol, singer/songwriter Gordon Lightfoot. When reached for comment, Lightfoot gave his support to the beavers and indicated he’d be writing a song about their struggle.

At press time, American bald eagles were watching the live proceedings intently on the Animal Planet channel and considering their options.

Satan Offers Putin High-Level Position In Hell

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THE FIERY UNDERWORLD – Satan has extended an offer to Russian President Vladimir Putin to be his new right hand man in Hell. If Putin accepts, Saddam Hussein would be relegated to just another tortured soul in the vast sea of flames, along with other fired assistants such as Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, and Idi Amin.

Satan explained his choice, saying, “Putin has shown what a truly evil-to-the-core piece of shit he is by his brutal attacks in Aleppo and Chechnya and now Ukraine. He is the 21st century’s embodiment of the absolutely worst characteristics a human being could possibly have.” He continued, “The atrocities he has committed most recently in Ukraine against civilians, bombing their schools, hospitals, and apartment buildings, and his use of horrific, inhumane weapons like cluster, incendiary, and vacuum bombs make him someone that I, The Prince of Darkness and Personification of All Evil, truly admire.”

Breaking into a wide sinister grin, Satan laughed saying that the Earthly world has a done quite well in sending sadistic paranoid war criminals with visions of grandeur his way, and that’s he looking forward to meeting Putin in person. Satan shared that he’ll be getting a kick out of Putin whining about being only number 2 in Hades. “Vlad will be shirtless, but he won’t be riding horses down here!” sneered The Evil One.

At press time, Satan was sending a couple of his best devils to Earth to “accelerate” Putin’s descent.

Author’s notes: My heart is filled with sadness for those in Ukraine who have been killed, injured, lost family members and friends, been displaced from their homes, and have had to witness the brutal destruction around them, due to the horrific actions ordered by war criminal Vladimir Putin. I join the world to #StandWithUkraine. A good list of places to donate to help Ukrainians is https://elsa.org/help_for_ukraine.