MOSCOW – Russian President and Accused War Criminal Vladimir Putin today announced a ban on the importation of American vodka into Russia. This order left Russian importers confused because they have never imported such “swill,” as they said, anyway. Putin was said to have delayed the order until his aides could scour the country for American vodka only to find just two bottles that visitors gave to Russian friends as a joke.
After a long-winded one-hour speech in which Putin, taking a cue from Venezuelan dictator Nicolas Maduro, blasted the United States for everything wrong in Russia, from the cost of sour cream to the traffic in Red Square and the weather in Sochi, Putin pulled out a red bucket from home improvement store Dacha Depot and set it on the floor in front of him.
Coming from out behind his lectern, Putin declared, “American president Biden has made the unacceptable and unforgivable decision to ban the importation of Russian vodka into his country. Today the great Russian Federation sticks its tongue out, puts its thumbs in its ears and waggles its fingers at America. Russia is banning the importation of American vodka into our most strong and most important nation.” With that Putin unscrewed the cap of the bottle of Seagram’s Sweet Tea flavored vodka and showing as much glee as he does when hearing the news of more women and children murdered by his troops in Mariupol, ceremoniously poured it into the plastic bucket. Putin then uncapped the bottle of Tito’s Handmade Vodka, studied the label for a moment and darted behind the lectern for a few moments, apparently fidgeting with something while hiding the bottle from view.
“Russia says nyet, nyet, nyet to the American warmongers!” the world’s most hated man declared, and emptied the second bottle into the bucket with a flourish, to the cheers of the oligarchs and army generals in attendance who then broke into a rousing chorus of “For He’s A Jolly Good Fellow” in Russian.
After the crowd dispersed, Putin could be seen easing his way back to the lectern, glancing around suspiciously before producing a glass of a clear liquid. Quickly downing it, he could be heard on a hot mic musing, “This Tito’s isn’t bad! Not bad at all!”