Category: Satire

Satire postings

Superb Owl League Cancels Its February 11 National Event

ScottLeave a comment

February 10, 2024 – 6:45 AM CDT

The Superb Owl League has canceled its annual celebration of the well-known and popular bird of prey. SOL President Frank Greathorn made the last-minute announcement just a day before the grand gathering was set to take place just outside Las Vegas, Nevada, on February 11. “To my fellow members of SOL, there is no other way to put it: we are truly shit-out-of-luck,” Greathorn sighed. “The Budget 5 Motel informed us that it was raising their room rate to $1555.55 per night for the weekend due to some other event happening in Las Vegas on Sunday. I knew this would not fly with our parliament of owl lovers.” Greathorn was puzzled when he found every hotel and motel within 100 miles was completely booked. “Who wants to go anywhere but a Caribbean island on a weekend in February?” he asked no one in particular, while shaking his head.

SOL Secretary Andrea “Snowy” Wheitoul noted that in the ’50s and early ’60s, their gala event was always a smashing success. She noted that they haven’t had a trouble-free Superb Owl Sunday gathering in more than fifty years even after changing the date from early- to mid- to late-January over the years, before settling on the first Sunday in February almost 20 years ago. In 2022 SOL made the bold step to move the signature event out one more week to avoid further problems, but still they persisted. “Who is to blame for our string of bad luck, I wonder. Who?”

At press time a flabbergasted Greathorn was receiving offers on craigslist of nearly $3000 for his Kansas-City-to-Las-Vegas roundtrip ticket.

Mrs. Claus Laments That Inflatable Yard Santa Has Gone Limp For The Year

ScottLeave a comment

NORTH POLE (Dec. 31) – An elf, speaking on condition of anonymity, reported today that a disappointed Mrs. Claus was lamenting that her husband, who spent the Christmas season flaunting his enormous size from a New Jersey suburban lawn, was going limp for another twelve months. Santa Claus, the inflatable yard ornament and beacon of Christmas cheer, had carried himself high and firm since the day after Thanksgiving, much to the delightful anticipation of Mrs. Claus.

When reached for comment, Mrs. Claus said, “I look forward to Christmas every year. It’s the only time I have a chance to see what my husband is packing in that big sack.” In a breathy voice, she continued, “That big, big sack I saw him with in that yard!”

“I know he was busy, but I wished he’d have visited me. But again this year, he didn’t so much as come once,” she sighed.

The giant pump responsible for his temporarily expansive girth and height was turned off, leaving the Santa to deflate slowly, making a sound like a long satisfied sigh, as a smiling housewife stuffed the spent inflatable thing back into hiding.

Mrs. Claus, fighting back tears and sniffling, herself sighed, “It gets lonely at the North Pole, and well, a woman has–excuse me, I think I’ll… attend to something.”

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene Supports Reanimated Joe McCarthy To Fill George Santos Seat, Go After ‘Communist’ Democrats

ScottLeave a comment

WASHINGTON – A fit-to-be-tied Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) today called the removal of George Santos from the House of Representatives “shameful.” Her posting on X, formerly Twitter, also declared that “Republican voters want us to stop the communist Democrat’s agenda…” Greene continued her rant, focusing mostly on the potential loss of a Republican-held seat to a Democrat in an upcoming special election, rather than on Santos’ character.

An hour later Rep. Greene posted again on X, indicating she would campaign for former senator Joseph McCarthy to replace Santos. “Joe and I will work hard to root out the communist Democrats in all levels of our government,” she wrote. McCarthy is famously known for leading Senate hearings in the 1950s that accused politicians and public figures of being secret members of the Communist party. He died in 1957.

When it was pointed out to Greene that McCarthy is no longer alive, she replied that she had a plan to use “a Jewish space laser” to reanimate his exhumed corpse “like they did with lightning in that documentary about Frankenstein.” Greene revealed, after being pressed for details, that she was referring to Young Frankenstein, the 1974 Mel Brooks comedy film.

Rep. Greene looked worried about strong competition for Santos’ seat when she was told of Donald Trump saying that “Frederick Douglass is an example of somebody who’s done an amazing job and is being recognized more and more.”

Santa Gets Elf On A Shelf To Do His Dirty Work

ScottLeave a comment

NORTH POLE – Santa Claus announced today that he has secured the services of Elf On A Shelf to do his dirty work during this year’s holiday season. The red-suited jolly man, known to children for bringing gifts, was said to be most concerned about his image among the tykes.

“Surveillance and implied punishment is not a good look for someone who seeks the adoration of the little ones, so I had to pawn the bad shit off on a surrogate,” Saint Nick said. “Elf On A Shelf will take over for me to watch young ones 24/7 and scare the beejeezus out of them by his mere presence.” Smirking, he added “I’d like to thank parents everywhere for moving that dastardly Elf from room to room to browbeat their kids into behaving.”

Elf On A Shelf, who seemed to be quite excited about his assignment, had no comment, but simply sat there on the shelf with his all-knowing grin, side stare, and holding his crotch.

Congressman George Santos Charged With Impersonating Congressman George Santos

ScottLeave a comment

WASHINGTON, DC – Congressman George Santos (R-NY) has been charged with impersonating Congressman George Santos, a federal official. Santos, who has issued a litany of false statements, including that his mother died from 9/11, that he was a collegiate volleyball star, and that his grandparents fled the Holocaust, denied that he was impersonating Santos.

“I didn’t say I was Santos. I said I was sans-toes. You’ll have to pardon my lapses into speaking French. After studying for and earning my PhD in Musicology at the Sorbonne – at the top of my class, I might add – I do that sometimes,” Dr. Santos offered. “About my toes, I lost them from an IED in Afghanistan when I sacrificed myself to save the lives of my CO and my whole platoon.”

Congressman George Santos had little to say about Congressman George Santos other than to offer a strong statement saying that, like him, Congressman George Santos is probably an honest, upstanding fellow who is just misunderstood. Santos referred journalists to political hopeful Anthony Devolder and drag queen Kitara Ravache, both of whom Santos said knew Santos well.

Limo Door Openers Pissed They Weren’t The Ones To Shut Down Hollywood

ScottLeave a comment

HOLLYWOOD, July 13 – “We could have brought Hollywood to a complete standstill and maybe got the respect we deserve.” So says Leo Grimaldini, president of the Hollywood Limousine Ingress and Egress Operators Union. Members of this labor organization believe they have the sole responsibility to open the doors of celebrities arriving at events large and small. “Wthout us Hollywood simply could not function,” he asserted. “Can you imagine JLo stooping to the low of opening her limo door herself? You think a director like James Cameron would do that? Or Mariah Carey? Not gonna happen.”

Grimaldini said he had finally pulled together an agreement among his colleagues and that an announcement had been prepared for Thursday evening eastern time, “only to have those disrespectful actors beat us to it.” He is sure that a spy among them informed SAG-AFTRA top leaders who didn’t want their members upstaged. An exasperated Grimaldini wasn’t sure if his union would go through with the strike now. “What’s the point? ” he sighed.”They’ll all be driving their Camaro convertibles themselves until this thing ends.”

At press time, a source reported that Grimaldi was seen as a greeter at the Burbank Walmart Supercenter.

BREAKING: Titanic Tourist Sub Occupants Lost …And Oh, Another Refugee Boat Sank

ScottLeave a comment

BOSTON, June 22, 2023 – Debris on the ocean floor near the wreck of the Titanic was confirmed to be from the tourist submersible Titan, leading authorities to announce today that the sub suffered from a catastrophic implosion. No remains of the five occupants on board have been located.

All major US television networks interrupted their regular programming at 3:00 pm EDT for a press conference that presented the recent findings of the unprecedented search and rescue operation. The search team identified specific sections of the submersible and continue to search for other pieces and for human remains. The names of each of the five occupants – three multi-millionaires, the son of one of them, and the pilot – were released to the public after next of kin had been notified. Further updates will be forthcoming over the next few days.

In the Mediterranean Sea, another refugee boat from Libya, or maybe Tunisia, capsized and sank, most likely drowning all of its occupants. The hundred, or maybe two hundred, unknown refugees were probably fleeing extreme poverty, a complete lack of medical care, and threats to their safety in their home countries, and they most assuredly spent all the money they had to buy passage to Europe aboard the severely overcrowded and poorly constructed boat. They might have been headed for an Italian island, maybe Pantelleria or Lampedusa, or maybe even Greece. This brings the total number of African and Middle Eastern refugees who have died at sea this year to over 800, or maybe 1000, or possibly around 2000. Details have been hard to obtain as media coverage, particularly by North American and Western European broadcasters, of this sinking and loss of lives continues to be set aside in lieu of the intense focus on the now-lost submersible in the North Atlantic Ocean. No further updates on this situation are expected.

Massachusetts Regulators Take Over Amanda’s Piggy Bank

ScottLeave a comment

BOSTON, MA, May 30, 2023 – In the latest in a string of bank failures, Massachusetts Division of Banks (DOB) Commissioner Mary Gallagher announced that her agency has seized the assets of Amanda’s piggy bank. The bank failure occurred over the weekend when Amanda knocked the piggy bank from her dresser, causing it to crash to the floor, break into pieces, and scatter coins all over the corner of her bedroom. The collapse was initiated when the lone depositor of the bank was unable to retrieve all her assets as some of them were under the heavy dresser and in the scary darkness under her bed.

Gallagher urged depositors to avoid panicking, saying “FDIC insurance backs all deposits up to $250,000. We have communicated to the FDIC that we believe no depositor has assets in the piggy bank that exceed that amount.” DOB has ordered Acme and Sons Movers to start the painstaking process of moving the furniture in Amanda’s bedroom to allow for a search for the piggy bank’s lost assets. The FDIC, acting on the advice of Commissioner Gallagher, has agreed to a takeover of Amanda’s piggy bank by her parents, Julie and Craig.

At press time, the parents have filed an FDIC claim for $105,802.31, which covers irretrievable coins that dropped behind the heating register including one 1914-S Lincoln penny valued at $105,800 that Julie slipped in the piggy bank “just for fun.”

GOP Donor Paid For Justice Thomas’ Resting Bitch Face

ScottLeave a comment

Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas’s nearly permanent resting bitch face can be attributed to botox treatments paid for by a wealthy GOP donor, said a source from Thomas’s office who requested anonymity because they were not authorized to speak on the matter. The source added that Thomas’s RBF took hold during his confirmation hearings in 1991 after he had a hearty laugh in his office over the pubic-hair-on-the-Coke-can accusation by Anita Hill.

In a tell-all interview, the confidential source provided more details. Over the years Thomas watched hundreds of hours of America’s Top Model to perfect his RBF by carefully studying Tyra Banks. He had little difficulty maintaining his well crafted visage until Donald Trump became president and packed the court with far right conservatives.

The success of the right wing agenda at the court, most notable the invalidation of the Roe v. Wade decision, apparently put a strain on Thomas to maintain his resting bitch face. Thomas made it known among his circle of supporters that he would be seeking botox treatments to relax his facial muscles from forming a smile. A GOP evangelical Christian billionaire, invested heavily in private for-profit healthcare, oil and gas exploration, charter schools, importation of Russian vodka, and who is a personal friend of David Duke, quickly stepped forward to offer to pay for Thomas’s ongoing treatments. A spokesman for Thomas apologized on his behalf for not listing the payments as a gift on his tax returns saying that IRS rules were far too complicated for a Supreme Court justice to understand. The spokeman also related that there were no expectations attached to the as-yet-unidentifed donor’s generous and unsolicited payments.

At press time, Thomas’s wife Ginni could be heard musing out loud that perhaps botox could help her if she happened to ever be called as to testify in something like “oh, I don’t know, maybe an election tampering case.”

London Man Gets Fancy New Hat

ScottLeave a comment

Our end of month roundup of stories to make you smile turned up this gem first reported on “Around the BBC”, the BBC’s collection of random items in the news. We hope you will enjoy it. – Editor

LONDON, May 6, 2023 – Westminster Abbey was closed to tourists today while some Londoner was given a new hat. A witness, who was able to peer through the doors before they were slammed shut in his face, said he saw a hat on a red velvet pillow and described it as “quite gaudy” and “something I might expect to see at a fancy dress [costume] party.” The witness described the unknown man as a tall, rather slender senior citizen who looked sad as if attending a funeral. A woman, looking equally unhappy, was at his side.

When the man emerged from the cathedral, he was seen wearing the fancy hat and a white fur coat over a blue silk gown of some sort. The woman at his side was wearing a similar hat and a lovely white dress. The couple left in a fairy tale like horse drawn coach reminiscent of something that might be seen at a Disney amusement park. Onlookers could be heard gossiping among themselves about the presumed costume party the couple was heading to, and speculating that the couple was dressed as a king and queen from a past era, though they did not seem to agree on which country that might be. “Wherever they are going, they certainly will make an impression on the other guests,” a woman remarked, rolling her eyes.

Meanwhile, a large crowd filled nearby streets, likely due to the Champions League final match involving the London team, Arsenal Football Club.