Author: Scott

Baby Shark And Family To Remove Music Catalog From Spotify

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THE SEAS – Baby Shark and its family are the latest high profile musicians to direct Spotify to remove their music catalog from the popular service over the continued misinformation regarding COVID-19 and the vaccines promoted on the Joe Rogan Experience podcast. The Shark family was said to have demanded that its entire catalog of one song be taken off Spotify immediately. Although “Baby Shark” achieved record You Tube views and continues to drill into the heads of parents nationwide, its removal is expected to have little impact on Spotify’s profits since no child anywhere has simply listened to the song, but instead has wanted to stare into a screen and sing along with the repetitive and hypnotic video.

The family decided to take action after legendary musician Neil Young gave Spotify an ultimatum: Young or Rogan, but not both. Every single person stopped on the street for a comment on the Shark family decision commended them, but admitted they would reluctantly choose Rogan to get one step closer to never hearing that damn “Baby Shark” earworm again.

The Sharks made it clear that they wholeheartedly support vaccination and stated that Mommy Shark, Daddy Shark, Grandma Shark, and Grandpa Shark have all received both doses of the Pfizer vaccine as well as the booster. They indicated that Baby Shark will get the vaccine as soon as it is approved for aquatic mammals under the age of five.

When asked to comment, Baby Shark said “Doo doo doo doo doo doo.”

BREAKING: Belichick Smiles

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FOXBORO – Word spread like wildfire around the offices and locker room of the New England Patriots that Head Coach Bill Belichick was seen smiling today. A source, who requested anonymity for fear of losing his job for revealing that Belichick’s countenance was anything other than RBF (Resting Belichick Face), leaked this surprising news just minutes after it happened. Speculation as to what prompted this historic occasion ran rampant throughout the organization. Suggestions ran the gamut from the Bucs loss to the Rams, to being shown an article from The Onion, to seeing a photocopy of someone’s butt left next to the Xerox machine. The source confirmed that the once-in-a-decade event occurred after Belichick heard the punchline to a knock-knock joke. Within seconds Belichick’s visage was back to normal, much to the relief of the team’s PR department who could pretend it never happened.

At press time, ESPN producers were trying to decide which talking heads would discuss this for an hour on tonight’s broadcast.

Bent Carrot? What About Us Guys With Rutabaga Balls?

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Guest Commentary

by Joe Testamotto

You’ve all seen the bent carrot commericials on late night TV, right? You know, the ones for the sadsacks with a crooked boomstick. Some sort of thing called Peyronie’s Disease, or PD. Take this pill and do stretching and pulling exercises on your love plunger, they say. Stretching and pulling? Is this some sort of Saturday Night Live skit? And ol’ Johnson’s gotta take a vacation for a month? WTF?

But I digress…

There are worse problems to have down in the Pleasure Pit than a trouser snake that doesn’t swim straight. Case in point: my enormous balls. I am not joking when I say that they are the size of rutabagas. Good thing for me that I can get away with the baggy pants thing even if the boys in the shop razz me that it’s so 90’s. They don’t know about the boys in my shop!

I spent some time Googling about this, you know, doing my own research. Nah, who am I kidding? I was on PornHub. Anyway, an ad popped up for this drug to treat Minajcousinfriend Symdrome, or MCFS. It sounded just like what I have. Turns out I’m not the only one with bloated nuts!

So what am I supposed to do about these dangling 100 carat family jewels anyway? First, take the pills. Well, duh. Then comes the part I’m doing only in the privacy of my own bedroom with the lights turned down low and Barry White music in the background. I gotta massage those rutabagas, squeezing them and pinching the tops. Hey, no problemo! I got some experience with my girlfriend’s–hey, say no more. You catch my drift, bro?

You know, now that I look at my ramrod it might not go so straight down the barrel after all. Gotta pop that pill too and do some stretching and pulling, I guess. Can’t get my rocks–I mean, boulders–off for a while though. Don’t call me. I’m gonna be busy for the rest of the month doing my exercises.

Punxsutawney Area Groundhogs Cram Silly Looking Man Into Hole In Tree

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GOBBLER’S KNOB – World-famous groundhog Punxsutawney Phil and his fellow rebels crammed one of his former handlers into Phil’s former prison in a tree where the man will apparently live in solitary confinement until next February.

The successful uprising began when Phil reportedly stirred up a revolution of area groundhogs over their exploitation by a bunch of silly looking men with ridiculous top hats and long black wool coats who seemed to think the year was 1895. The unruly bunch of rodents freed Phil from his arboreal jail then turned to the men, baring their teeth. The pompous dilettantes ran, swinging their canes at their pursuers.

Head Handler Phinneas J. Pharkleman was soon cornered and surrounded by the angry woodchuck mob. Millions of Americans continued to watch the events unfold live on NBC’s Today as the freedom fighters shoved the terrified fop onto the stage, hoisting him up on his own intricately carved walnut walking stick.

“When’s Spring coming, Pharkleman?” Phil sneered. “I’ll give you a clue! It ain’t! You’ve got 12 months of a very dark winter ahead! Ha ha ha ha!”

At that point, the jubilant groundhogs grunted and pushed the dandy butt first into Phil’s former hollow, his arms and legs filling in the gaps until he looked like some carnival freak. Pharkleman begged for his release as his tears fell onto his neatly creased white silk blouse then with one final shove to his shoulders, the popinjay was entirely squeezed into his new tree cavity home. Phil raised a paw in victory and slammed the door shut, crushing Pharkleman’s beaver felt hat as flat as a pancake.

Today weatherman Al Roker took one last look at the spectacle, then turned to the camera, “And now here’s what’s happening in your neck of the woods…”

Thomas Bradey To Join UMass 2022 Football Spring Newcomers Squad

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AMHERST – University of Massachusetts Athletics announced today that Thomas Bradey of Tampa, Fla. is the latest recruit to its 2022 Football Spring Newcomers Squad, joining the thirteen players already named. Bradey was discovered during a football camp for high school students held by the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Fellow participants in the camp universally agreed that Bradey was the best player among all of them and said that they learned a lot from him.

UMass Minutemen scout Colin Moriartey was impressed with Bradey’s standout skills, even though he was concerned that Bradey’s passing success seemed to hinge on getting to know his favorite receiver well. Moriartey was also concerned that Bradey looked a bit old to be a high school senior, but wrote it off to hard work on the gridiron. He said he would have liked to hear the opinion of Bucs QB Tom Brady on Bradey’s skills and prospects for the future, surmising that Brady probably had to cancel his attendance at the camp due to his recent announcement to retire from football. Still, Moriartey went ahead and offered Bradey a full scholarship contigent on his joining the football team.

The Massachusetts Daily Collegian student newspaper prematurely reported that Bradey accepted the offer to attend and play football for the university, but at the time Bradey quickly corrected them. “I’m still going through the process,” and “I think when the time’s right, I’ll be ready to make a decision one way or another,” he said.

Minutemen Head Coach Don Brown was reportedly thrilled to have Bradey on his team, saying, “This kid has the potential to become the Greatest Of All Time.”

BREAKING: Spotify Implements Half-Assed Misinformation Measures, Joe Rogan Responds

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NEW YORK – Spotify CEO Daniel Ek today announced half-assed measures to address medical misinformation on the platform in response to criticism and action taken by high-profile artists and podcasters. The cover-your-ass measures, which won’t actually change a damn thing, were prompted by Neil Young, who gave an ultimatum to Spotify: “They can have Rogan or Young. Not both.” Spotify said that they would honor Young’s “request to take down his music,” twisting his words in an attempt to avoid responsibility and not offend Rogan, their golden cash cow, and gave an unceremonial boot to the music legend.

Ek explained that the company had not been transparent for many years regarding its secret content rules that it didn’t actually have until they were written a week ago. The rules, disclosed only when public pressure forced Spotify to do so, prohibit medical misinformation on their podcasts that would pose a danger to public health, particularly with regard to COVID-19 vaccines. As The Joe Rogan Experience could be heard playing in the background, Ek insisted he was serious about the rules, adding, “But we’re still working on how to apply these rules to podcast hosts that are generating enormous profits for the company.”

Ek proudly cited the new content advisory for programs that mention COVID-19, expected to be as meaningless and ineffective as those on Twitter and Facebook. “We plan on running the advisory often. As of today it will be daily sometime between 3:30 and 5:00 am.”

Responding to a press question regarding Rogan, Ek replied, “As we see it, since the pandemic began, Joe Rogan has been in full compliance with our vague rules that have many loopholes.” When told that his rules were “half-assed,” Ek retorted, “We look at the ass as half-full. You guys always look at it as if it’s half-empty!” Ek did not characterize Joe Rogan’s ass.

After Rogan’s podcast was finished for the day, he was spotted in an Agway feed store parking lot. When asked for comment on Ek’s announcement, Rogan took another swig out of his piss-filled water bottle and laughed as he went inside to pick up another bottle of horse dewormer.

Nation’s Private Health Insurers Announce Support For Private Health Insurance

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ST. TROPEZ – A spokesman for the private health insurers’ trade group, America’s Health Insurance Plans, announced today that they have decided to fully support private health insurance as the right choice for America. Intern Kevin Coggshell delivered the news of the results of his groundbreaking research from the podium at the luxurious Cheval Blanc St. Tropez resort on the French Riviera, site of this year’s annual convention.

“The conclusions of my comprehensive, no-stone-unturned three-day study were definitive. Notwithstanding the fact that all other developed countries in the world have government-run national health insurance systems that provide healthcare virtually free for all citizens, the only viable choice for the United States is a system based entirely on for-profit private health insurers.”

Not being used to addressing a crown of billionaire healthcare CEOs, Coggshell’s voice was quavering as he continued, explaining that in his painstaking study he glanced at hundreds of choices, including private health insurance and nothing else. “No other solution besides private health insurance will generate such through-the-roof record profits year after year,” Coggshell asserted. He professed that the study could stand up to rigorous objective scrutiny by every single person in the room.

Coggshell received a hearty round of applause followed by the filthy rich CEOs raising their glasses of rare and outrageously priced 16-year-old Lagavulin scotch in a toast, directing their assistants to rise in a standing ovation, as they sat in their plush leather overstuffed chairs puffing on their illegally imported Cuban cigars.

At the cocktail party that evening, a drunk and repentant Coggshell could be heard mumbling to himself, “If only they had let me include Medicare,” as he wondered how he would find the money for the copay for his upcoming liver transplant.

Mars, Inc. Panics As Green M&M Announces Pregnancy

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NEW YORK – Executive at Mars Incorporated are scrambling to put together a face-saving press release after the Green M&M announced that she has “a peanut in the roastery”. Just days ago the company made a surprise announcement that the family of colorful candy-shelled lenticular chocolate treats would be more “inclusive”. A key part of the strategy was to tone down the overwhelming sexuality of the Green one.

The announcement, made on the Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, did not shock the billions around the world, who eat the sweet morsels with absolutely no regard for the social implications of what the brown-bagged morsels represent. Fallon, nevertheless, pressed the sexy, seductive member of the M&M clan to identify the father. She hedged, finally admitting that she isn’t sure. Gossip tabloids are speculating that the sultry Green had a secret thing going with Red, being captivated by his bossy, domineering personality, while others think she made Orange her “project”, focusing on his paranoia. All agreed that she could see right through Blue’s attempts to woo her into his dish.

A high-placed source at Mars, speaking on condition of anonymity, shared secret recordings of a top-level huddle, at which execs were sweating over the influence that the supermarket tabloids have to change opinions of the average American.

“Can we say that Green will have an immaculate birth? It worked for Baby Peanut. He just sprouted up from the ground,” suggested Marketing Director Michaela Moulton.

“It won’t fly, Michaela,” an exasperated Public Relations VP Mary Marston sighed. “We could try the surrogate angle. We could promote Brown as today’s career woman who enlisted Green so she could add ‘mother’ to her resume. Nah, what am I thinking.”

“Let’s face it. Green has a loose shell and everyone knows it,” admitted newly appointed Chief of Diversity and Wokeness Michael Miller while nervously stuffing his maw from his fifteenth package of the anthropomorphized unmeltables.

At press time the desperate execs were trying to decide which M&M would eat Green and hoping she would then be quickly forgotten.

Satan Promotes Hell As Winter Getaway

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BOSTON – As the Northeast braces for a monster snowstorm, workers could be seen pasting up a new message on the 250-foot billboard along the Massachusetts Turnpike. The striking red and yellow colors, evoking a sense of flames and heat, will draw drivers’ attention to the pitch to make Hell the new winter vacation destination, according to Satan Underling of Propaganda Joseph Goebbels.

“We’re sure our slogan, ‘It’s hot here… but don’t get burned!’ is catchy enough to get lots of interest from Bostonians and, we hope, lots of what we like to call ‘visitors’,” Goebbels added.

Satan, Prince of Darkness, was watching the Weather Channel all last week, seeing snowstorms over the sinner-ridden United States, when he got the idea to lure the miscreants away from their miserable, freezing, winter existence to his place of eternal temptation, reported the Beelzebub Times, Hell’s premier newspaper.

“Damn, they’re living in a frozen hell up there,” mused The Evil One.

Hell’s Greeter and Bartender Saddam Hussein pointed out the tropical bar just inside the gates, the Lower World’s only inferno-free zone, named Lucifer’s Oasis in honor of The Fallen Angel himself. Saddam drew delight as he recalled how easily it draws the rubes through the Arch of Hades.

During the month of January, Hell is offering a Satan’s Special: a 50 percent off voucher for flights from Boston’s Logan Airport, not including the return leg. “We don’t think our visitors will be leaving–I mean, want to leave,” Goebbels said with a grin some might say was sardonic. “How’s that for turning up the heat on great deals! We’re coming for you, Aruba!”

“Don’t forget to tell them that masks and vaccinations aren’t required!” shouted Satan from his throne above a fiery sea of Al Qaida martyrs.