Author: Scott

Texas Gov. Abbott Says Women Must Show Negative Pregnancy Test To Buy Wire Hangers

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June 24, 2022

AUSTIN – Texas governor Greg Abbott announced an executive order that will require women to show a negative pregnancy test certificate in order to purchase wire coat hangers. “The United States Supreme Court has overturned Roe versus Wade allowing our reasonable laws to protect the sacred rights of the unborn child — only until the moment of birth — to stand,” he stated. “We must ensure that the gift of a pregnancy, given by God, must not be terminated in any way possible.”

Abbott’s executive order requires that a woman take a pregnancy test, which must be done in the presence of and, if negative, certified by at least one male doctor from each of five counties at least one hundred miles apart and at least one male priest of the Christian faith. The woman must then take the certificate to the Secretary of State’s office in Austin for signature verification which will take a minimum of 48 hours to be processed, after which time the woman must pick up the certificate at a special office in Dallas. Finally, the woman must watch a one-hour video explaining the advantages of plastic hangers and receive an additional hour of one-on-one in-person counseling at any “clinic” in Houston operated by a so-called pro-life organization.

“We are doing this to protect the health and safety of the mother and the unborn child,” added Abbott. “That is our only concern.”

Senate Takes Action On Gun Violence: Authorizes Deeper Hole To Hold More Thoughts And Prayers

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WASHINGTON – In a last minute effort before leaving on their Memorial Day break, the Senate voted to authorize spending to dig another even deeper hole to hold the increasing numbers of thoughts and prayers following the school shooting in Uvalde, Texas. The previous thoughts and prayers landfill was approaching capacity after the Sandy Hook school shooting ten years ago. Planning had been underway for a new thoughts and prayers hole after the school shooting at Marjory Stoneham Douglas High School in 2018 nearly took it to overflowing.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell shepherded the Get Us a New Site (GUNS) bill through the chamber relying on the support of ten Democrats who, in addition to all fifty Republicans, were scared shitless of their 2nd Amendment-obsessed constituents and the potential loss of campaign contributions from gun manfacturers and the NRA. Following the vote, McConnell announced, “They said we wouldn’t take action even after putting forth so many thoughts and prayers. We have taken action in a way that should please those who have a vested interest in tiny, incremental steps chosen to not disturb the status quo. Now that we have done something, we are finished with this issue for the forseeable future.”

The new and deepest-to-date repository for thoughts and prayers will be situated in Uvalde to remind the families of the 19 fourth grade children and two teachers murdered in cold blood by one the United States’ 400 million guns currently in circulation just how much their politicians care about them. McConnell noted that the bill includes a provision to allow a representative of each family to operate the backhoe being used to dig the hole for 21 seconds in honor of “those who gave their lives for our freedom.”

At press time, representatives of every gun manfacturer and the NRA, and several staunch pro-gun politicians were gathering at the site to begin a ceremonial excavation of the hole using AR-15 military-style rifles, even though such rifles are intended to kill large numbers of people, rather than to dig holes or hunt or do target shooting. Each will then toss their own thoughts and prayers into the bottomless pit.

Biden Says “Fuck It”, Offers Free Grenade Launchers

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THE WHITE HOUSE – President Biden took to the podium in the Rose Garden this afternoon and simply said “Fuck it” to the assembled press corps. Biden had promised a press conference to outline his proposals to Congress for sensible measures to address gun violence. He was expected to push for universal background checks that would include an end to gun show and private sale loopholes, enhance “red flag” provisions, and implement limits on magazine capacity. Instead he shook his head, sighed, and said “To hell with it.”

Continuing, the President said, “Congress is never gonna do shit about this. They’ll never send me even one goddamned bill to fix the clusterfuck we’ve been in for too many goddamned years.” He took a deep breath, lifted his head in an apparent act of defiance and confidently announced that he signed an executive order offering a free military grenade launcher to every household in America. “The only approach remaining was the old ‘If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em!’ and that’s what we’re going to do as the country with the most mass shootings and firearms in the world. And you can take that to the bank, Jack!”

When asked about how it will change the outlook on school shootings, Biden added that every classroom in every school will be issued a grenade launcher with a modified guitar stand to be placed in the front of the classroom in the corner farthest from the door. Teachers will watch a 20-minute training video on the launcher’s use during their lunch break, he added.

Each family will be entitled to sign up to receive eight grenades using the same system that has distributed thousands of COVID-19 rapid tests via the US Postal Service. Postmaster General Louis DeJoy issued a statement that he is “looking forward to being a part of making our nation the safest in the world.”

NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre was asked for comment, but could not be understood through his blubbering sobs of joy.

Putin Pours American Vodka Down the Drain

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MOSCOW – Russian President and Accused War Criminal Vladimir Putin today announced a ban on the importation of American vodka into Russia. This order left Russian importers confused because they have never imported such “swill,” as they said, anyway. Putin was said to have delayed the order until his aides could scour the country for American vodka only to find just two bottles that visitors gave to Russian friends as a joke.

After a long-winded one-hour speech in which Putin, taking a cue from Venezuelan dictator Nicolas Maduro, blasted the United States for everything wrong in Russia, from the cost of sour cream to the traffic in Red Square and the weather in Sochi, Putin pulled out a red bucket from home improvement store Dacha Depot and set it on the floor in front of him.

Coming from out behind his lectern, Putin declared, “American president Biden has made the unacceptable and unforgivable decision to ban the importation of Russian vodka into his country. Today the great Russian Federation sticks its tongue out, puts its thumbs in its ears and waggles its fingers at America. Russia is banning the importation of American vodka into our most strong and most important nation.” With that Putin unscrewed the cap of the bottle of Seagram’s Sweet Tea flavored vodka and showing as much glee as he does when hearing the news of more women and children murdered by his troops in Mariupol, ceremoniously poured it into the plastic bucket. Putin then uncapped the bottle of Tito’s Handmade Vodka, studied the label for a moment and darted behind the lectern for a few moments, apparently fidgeting with something while hiding the bottle from view.

“Russia says nyet, nyet, nyet to the American warmongers!” the world’s most hated man declared, and emptied the second bottle into the bucket with a flourish, to the cheers of the oligarchs and army generals in attendance who then broke into a rousing chorus of “For He’s A Jolly Good Fellow” in Russian.

After the crowd dispersed, Putin could be seen easing his way back to the lectern, glancing around suspiciously before producing a glass of a clear liquid. Quickly downing it, he could be heard on a hot mic musing, “This Tito’s isn’t bad! Not bad at all!”

Trump Blames The Problem On Windmills

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PALM BEACH – In an exclusive interview given to a little-known far right news website, former President Donald Trump gave his insight on the nation’s latest big problem. Trump somehow connected the issue pushing the nation ever closer to its breaking point to the use of windmills to generate electricity.

The tall leggy blonde interviewer somehow managed to get Trump’s attention and stop his ranting about the 2020 elections to ask him how he would resolve the issue hanging over us all now that it is here. Trump leaned forward in his chair, made a diamond shape with his hands, and replied, “Well, and I said this a long time ago, we are playing right into their hands. Green energy. The windmills. They don’t work. They kill all the birds. And I’ve been preaching this for years. The windmills.”

Brushing a lock of hair out of her face and smiling at Trump, the reporter nicely asked him to elaborate on how this would get the country out of the bind it’s in. “The environmentalis love the windmills,” Trump continued. “The dodo birds. What about them? They’re the best birds. We don’t want to kill all the dodo birds. Frederick Douglass said to me this morning, ‘Sir, we can’t kill all the dodo birds.’ He’s done an amazing job and is being recognized more and more.”

As the interview dragged on without Trump saying a single thing about the problem itself, he finished by bragging, adding “I never understood wind and I’ve studied it better than anybody. Tremendous fumes, gases are spewing into the atmosphere. When George Washington Carver crossed the river he said, ‘Give me liberty or give me death!’ Those windmills. They kill all the birds. Why don’t they make flour while they make electricity? You know we have a world, right?”

Putin Admonishes US For Providing Javelins and Shot Put Balls To Ukraine

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MOSCOW – Russian President Vladimir Putin today once again continued to show indications that he is losing his mind over his inability to quickly take over Ukraine, reprimanding the US government for providing javelins and shot put balls to Ukraine. The ruthless warmongering dictator, apparently now completely overcome by his rage, somehow managed to confuse the long, pointed spear-like pole used in sports competition with an American-made anti-tank weapon. Furthermore, Putin inexplicably included shot put balls, another piece of sports apparatus, in his bizarre statement on Russian state television.

The murderous tyrant was said by an oligarch close to him, who requested anonymity for fear of having his yacht confiscated, to be worried about Ukrainian athletes outperforming Russia in international sports competitions, which is Putin’s single most important measure of world prominence. The oligarch revealed that Putin gave orders to field commanders in Ukraine to seize all sports equipment at any cost and to ignore those portable 50 pound missile launchers aimed at their tanks.

Putin also demanded that the United States stop including Gatorade in humanitarian supplies being sent to Ukraine, because the sports drink is used to replenish electrolytes in exhausted athletes. He said that since Russia can’t get it anymore, no one should get it.

Canada’s Beavers Rebel Against Tiring Role As National Symbol

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WASKAGANISH – At the National Conference of Beavers, held this year on the shores of Hudson Bay, the large-toothed delegates heartily endorsed a resolution expressing their exhaustion at living up to expectations as a national symbol that have been promulgated by tourist boards throughout Canada.

The resolution to push back at the demands of both tourists and travel agencies was proposed by Kingston delegate Rachel Longtooth and seconded by an unknown beaver from Wood Buffalo National Park in northern Alberta who was completely unaware that he was a national symbol. A voice vote received unanimous approval and was followed immediately by a standing-on-their-tails ovation.

“Look, we’re all proud of our country, but this aimless swimming around in circles with a stick in my mouth to please the tourists has got to end,” said an angry Harry Flattail from Algonquin Provincial Park. “It’s embarrassing,” he continued, explaining that he had better things to do, like chilling in his lodge with a cold one and watching the Leafs game on his 30 cm big screen TV. Flattail had especially harsh words for the rich American college kids out to find nature on their summer break. “Those hosers lose their shit when I slap the water with my tail and dive under.”

At the dinner buffet of grilled bark, fried wood shavings, and chicken wings, many of the attendees from areas that rarely see visitors were candid in not realizing the burden that their compatriots were shouldering for all beavers. The sense of camraderie grew as the short brown bottles of lager were uncapped. Jacques Mangeur de Bois, representing Saint-Jean-sur-Richelieu, made an impromptu plea to ask all beavers to pull together in the push toward rebellion. “Nous vivons ensemble! We live together!” he said, wiping a tear from his eye. This show of solidarity from the Quebecois led to a sing-along to the classic of the same name by another national symbol, singer/songwriter Gordon Lightfoot. When reached for comment, Lightfoot gave his support to the beavers and indicated he’d be writing a song about their struggle.

At press time, American bald eagles were watching the live proceedings intently on the Animal Planet channel and considering their options.

Satan Offers Putin High-Level Position In Hell

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THE FIERY UNDERWORLD – Satan has extended an offer to Russian President Vladimir Putin to be his new right hand man in Hell. If Putin accepts, Saddam Hussein would be relegated to just another tortured soul in the vast sea of flames, along with other fired assistants such as Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, and Idi Amin.

Satan explained his choice, saying, “Putin has shown what a truly evil-to-the-core piece of shit he is by his brutal attacks in Aleppo and Chechnya and now Ukraine. He is the 21st century’s embodiment of the absolutely worst characteristics a human being could possibly have.” He continued, “The atrocities he has committed most recently in Ukraine against civilians, bombing their schools, hospitals, and apartment buildings, and his use of horrific, inhumane weapons like cluster, incendiary, and vacuum bombs make him someone that I, The Prince of Darkness and Personification of All Evil, truly admire.”

Breaking into a wide sinister grin, Satan laughed saying that the Earthly world has a done quite well in sending sadistic paranoid war criminals with visions of grandeur his way, and that’s he looking forward to meeting Putin in person. Satan shared that he’ll be getting a kick out of Putin whining about being only number 2 in Hades. “Vlad will be shirtless, but he won’t be riding horses down here!” sneered The Evil One.

At press time, Satan was sending a couple of his best devils to Earth to “accelerate” Putin’s descent.

Author’s notes: My heart is filled with sadness for those in Ukraine who have been killed, injured, lost family members and friends, been displaced from their homes, and have had to witness the brutal destruction around them, due to the horrific actions ordered by war criminal Vladimir Putin. I join the world to #StandWithUkraine. A good list of places to donate to help Ukrainians is https://elsa.org/help_for_ukraine.

BREAKING: Joe Rogan Removes Barry Manilow’s Music From Spotify

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JOE ROGAN’S BASEMENT – Joe Rogan unexpectedly announced on his podcast, The Joe Rogan Experience, that he has removed the entire catalog of Barry Manilow’s music from Spotify. Rogan, who cannot seem to leave well enough alone, has a contract with Spotify believed to be worth more than $100 million. He took this action after reading a report on social media by some unknown who gave no sources that Manilow had joined in the protest started by music legend Neil Young.

When reached for comment, Manilow denied ever being a part of any protest, saying of the rumor, “I don’t know where it started, but it didn’t start with me or anyone who represents me.” He continued, “Maybe Liberty Mutual started it. They might still be angry at me for writing the State Farm jingle.” Manilow also indicated that he didn’t have a clue who Joe Rogan was.

Shortly after Rogan’s announcement, a spokesperson for Spotify reaffirmed that the company fully supports Rogan. “Joe Rogan has a keen sense of when blatant censorship is appropriate or not. We respect his decisions,” the spokesperson said and added, “Joe made it clear that he will not engage in ‘cancel culture’ under any circumstances and we have no reason to doubt his sincerity on that.”

At press time, Rogan was said to be considering what to do with Dolly Parton’s music after learning more than a year after everyone else that her one million dollar donation to coronavirus research was used in part for development of Moderna’s COVID vaccine.

Djokovic Says He Is Not Anti-Farting

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BELGRADE – The world’s no. 1 men’s tennis player, Novak Djokovic, said in an interview today that he is not anti-farting in spite of his continued refusal to fart both on- and off-court. Djokovic made it abundantly clear that he absolutely will not pass gas even after being assured by medical professionals that it is safe and beneficial to do so, especially after a stir-fry of cabbage, cauliflower, and broccoli. The Serbian tennis star declared that he would not compete in future Grand Slam events if he was required to let one fly just before a serve, in the locker room, or during a post-match press conference.

Djokovic has long held the opinion that choosing to fart is an individual right and it should be his choice to hold it in until it dissipates in his colon. He insists he is doing what he strongly believes is best for his own gastrointestinal system, but that he has an open mind and hinted that with the right medical advice and evidence, someday he may crop dust while walking off the court.

Several fellow players, who all wish to remain anonymous, have publicly supported Djokovic by refraining from cutting the cheese on-court, particularly when around a certain blonde ball girl with an adorable ponytail, killer legs, and a sweet smile who is a college freshman at Columbia. All admitted, however, that they have been known to ease out a silent but deadly one or two while in the locker room showers.

A spokesperson for Australia’s Immigration Minister Alex Hawke reiterated that the decision to revoke Djokovic’s visa on “health and good order grounds, on the basis that it was in the public interest to do so” was the correct one. The spokesperson said that 80 percent of Australians have rejected the anti-fart doctrine, an especially important decision in light of the country’s high consumption of beer, adding “We cannot tolerate the discomfort of our citizens by silencing their butt burping, and we cannot have a high-profile anti-farter having a platform to rip on farting and trumpet his beliefs.”