NORTH POLE (Dec. 31) – An elf, speaking on condition of anonymity, reported today that a disappointed Mrs. Claus was lamenting that her husband, who spent the Christmas season flaunting his enormous size from a New Jersey suburban lawn, was going limp for another twelve months. Santa Claus, the inflatable yard ornament and beacon of Christmas cheer, had carried himself high and firm since the day after Thanksgiving, much to the delightful anticipation of Mrs. Claus.
When reached for comment, Mrs. Claus said, “I look forward to Christmas every year. It’s the only time I have a chance to see what my husband is packing in that big sack.” In a breathy voice, she continued, “That big, big sack I saw him with in that yard!”
“I know he was busy, but I wished he’d have visited me. But again this year, he didn’t so much as come once,” she sighed.
The giant pump responsible for his temporarily expansive girth and height was turned off, leaving the Santa to deflate slowly, making a sound like a long satisfied sigh, as a smiling housewife stuffed the spent inflatable thing back into hiding.
Mrs. Claus, fighting back tears and sniffling, herself sighed, “It gets lonely at the North Pole, and well, a woman has–excuse me, I think I’ll… attend to something.”