NORTH POLE – Santa Claus announced today that he has secured the services of Elf On A Shelf to do his dirty work during this year’s holiday season. The red-suited jolly man, known to children for bringing gifts, was said to be most concerned about his image among the tykes.
“Surveillance and implied punishment is not a good look for someone who seeks the adoration of the little ones, so I had to pawn the bad shit off on a surrogate,” Saint Nick said. “Elf On A Shelf will take over for me to watch young ones 24/7 and scare the beejeezus out of them by his mere presence.” Smirking, he added “I’d like to thank parents everywhere for moving that dastardly Elf from room to room to browbeat their kids into behaving.”
Elf On A Shelf, who seemed to be quite excited about his assignment, had no comment, but simply sat there on the shelf with his all-knowing grin, side stare, and holding his crotch.