Month: November 2023

Santa Gets Elf On A Shelf To Do His Dirty Work

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NORTH POLE – Santa Claus announced today that he has secured the services of Elf On A Shelf to do his dirty work during this year’s holiday season. The red-suited jolly man, known to children for bringing gifts, was said to be most concerned about his image among the tykes.

“Surveillance and implied punishment is not a good look for someone who seeks the adoration of the little ones, so I had to pawn the bad shit off on a surrogate,” Saint Nick said. “Elf On A Shelf will take over for me to watch young ones 24/7 and scare the beejeezus out of them by his mere presence.” Smirking, he added “I’d like to thank parents everywhere for moving that dastardly Elf from room to room to browbeat their kids into behaving.”

Elf On A Shelf, who seemed to be quite excited about his assignment, had no comment, but simply sat there on the shelf with his all-knowing grin, side stare, and holding his crotch.

Congressman George Santos Charged With Impersonating Congressman George Santos

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WASHINGTON, DC – Congressman George Santos (R-NY) has been charged with impersonating Congressman George Santos, a federal official. Santos, who has issued a litany of false statements, including that his mother died from 9/11, that he was a collegiate volleyball star, and that his grandparents fled the Holocaust, denied that he was impersonating Santos.

“I didn’t say I was Santos. I said I was sans-toes. You’ll have to pardon my lapses into speaking French. After studying for and earning my PhD in Musicology at the Sorbonne – at the top of my class, I might add – I do that sometimes,” Dr. Santos offered. “About my toes, I lost them from an IED in Afghanistan when I sacrificed myself to save the lives of my CO and my whole platoon.”

Congressman George Santos had little to say about Congressman George Santos other than to offer a strong statement saying that, like him, Congressman George Santos is probably an honest, upstanding fellow who is just misunderstood. Santos referred journalists to political hopeful Anthony Devolder and drag queen Kitara Ravache, both of whom Santos said knew Santos well.