Month: May 2023

Massachusetts Regulators Take Over Amanda’s Piggy Bank

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BOSTON, MA, May 30, 2023 – In the latest in a string of bank failures, Massachusetts Division of Banks (DOB) Commissioner Mary Gallagher announced that her agency has seized the assets of Amanda’s piggy bank. The bank failure occurred over the weekend when Amanda knocked the piggy bank from her dresser, causing it to crash to the floor, break into pieces, and scatter coins all over the corner of her bedroom. The collapse was initiated when the lone depositor of the bank was unable to retrieve all her assets as some of them were under the heavy dresser and in the scary darkness under her bed.

Gallagher urged depositors to avoid panicking, saying “FDIC insurance backs all deposits up to $250,000. We have communicated to the FDIC that we believe no depositor has assets in the piggy bank that exceed that amount.” DOB has ordered Acme and Sons Movers to start the painstaking process of moving the furniture in Amanda’s bedroom to allow for a search for the piggy bank’s lost assets. The FDIC, acting on the advice of Commissioner Gallagher, has agreed to a takeover of Amanda’s piggy bank by her parents, Julie and Craig.

At press time, the parents have filed an FDIC claim for $105,802.31, which covers irretrievable coins that dropped behind the heating register including one 1914-S Lincoln penny valued at $105,800 that Julie slipped in the piggy bank “just for fun.”

GOP Donor Paid For Justice Thomas’ Resting Bitch Face

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Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas’s nearly permanent resting bitch face can be attributed to botox treatments paid for by a wealthy GOP donor, said a source from Thomas’s office who requested anonymity because they were not authorized to speak on the matter. The source added that Thomas’s RBF took hold during his confirmation hearings in 1991 after he had a hearty laugh in his office over the pubic-hair-on-the-Coke-can accusation by Anita Hill.

In a tell-all interview, the confidential source provided more details. Over the years Thomas watched hundreds of hours of America’s Top Model to perfect his RBF by carefully studying Tyra Banks. He had little difficulty maintaining his well crafted visage until Donald Trump became president and packed the court with far right conservatives.

The success of the right wing agenda at the court, most notable the invalidation of the Roe v. Wade decision, apparently put a strain on Thomas to maintain his resting bitch face. Thomas made it known among his circle of supporters that he would be seeking botox treatments to relax his facial muscles from forming a smile. A GOP evangelical Christian billionaire, invested heavily in private for-profit healthcare, oil and gas exploration, charter schools, importation of Russian vodka, and who is a personal friend of David Duke, quickly stepped forward to offer to pay for Thomas’s ongoing treatments. A spokesman for Thomas apologized on his behalf for not listing the payments as a gift on his tax returns saying that IRS rules were far too complicated for a Supreme Court justice to understand. The spokeman also related that there were no expectations attached to the as-yet-unidentifed donor’s generous and unsolicited payments.

At press time, Thomas’s wife Ginni could be heard musing out loud that perhaps botox could help her if she happened to ever be called as to testify in something like “oh, I don’t know, maybe an election tampering case.”

London Man Gets Fancy New Hat

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Our end of month roundup of stories to make you smile turned up this gem first reported on “Around the BBC”, the BBC’s collection of random items in the news. We hope you will enjoy it. – Editor

LONDON, May 6, 2023 – Westminster Abbey was closed to tourists today while some Londoner was given a new hat. A witness, who was able to peer through the doors before they were slammed shut in his face, said he saw a hat on a red velvet pillow and described it as “quite gaudy” and “something I might expect to see at a fancy dress [costume] party.” The witness described the unknown man as a tall, rather slender senior citizen who looked sad as if attending a funeral. A woman, looking equally unhappy, was at his side.

When the man emerged from the cathedral, he was seen wearing the fancy hat and a white fur coat over a blue silk gown of some sort. The woman at his side was wearing a similar hat and a lovely white dress. The couple left in a fairy tale like horse drawn coach reminiscent of something that might be seen at a Disney amusement park. Onlookers could be heard gossiping among themselves about the presumed costume party the couple was heading to, and speculating that the couple was dressed as a king and queen from a past era, though they did not seem to agree on which country that might be. “Wherever they are going, they certainly will make an impression on the other guests,” a woman remarked, rolling her eyes.

Meanwhile, a large crowd filled nearby streets, likely due to the Champions League final match involving the London team, Arsenal Football Club.