THE WHITE HOUSE – President Biden took to the podium in the Rose Garden this afternoon and simply said “Fuck it” to the assembled press corps. Biden had promised a press conference to outline his proposals to Congress for sensible measures to address gun violence. He was expected to push for universal background checks that would include an end to gun show and private sale loopholes, enhance “red flag” provisions, and implement limits on magazine capacity. Instead he shook his head, sighed, and said “To hell with it.”
Continuing, the President said, “Congress is never gonna do shit about this. They’ll never send me even one goddamned bill to fix the clusterfuck we’ve been in for too many goddamned years.” He took a deep breath, lifted his head in an apparent act of defiance and confidently announced that he signed an executive order offering a free military grenade launcher to every household in America. “The only approach remaining was the old ‘If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em!’ and that’s what we’re going to do as the country with the most mass shootings and firearms in the world. And you can take that to the bank, Jack!”
When asked about how it will change the outlook on school shootings, Biden added that every classroom in every school will be issued a grenade launcher with a modified guitar stand to be placed in the front of the classroom in the corner farthest from the door. Teachers will watch a 20-minute training video on the launcher’s use during their lunch break, he added.
Each family will be entitled to sign up to receive eight grenades using the same system that has distributed thousands of COVID-19 rapid tests via the US Postal Service. Postmaster General Louis DeJoy issued a statement that he is “looking forward to being a part of making our nation the safest in the world.”
NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre was asked for comment, but could not be understood through his blubbering sobs of joy.