WASHINGTON – In a last minute effort before leaving on their Memorial Day break, the Senate voted to authorize spending to dig another even deeper hole to hold the increasing numbers of thoughts and prayers following the school shooting in Uvalde, Texas. The previous thoughts and prayers landfill was approaching capacity after the Sandy Hook school shooting ten years ago. Planning had been underway for a new thoughts and prayers hole after the school shooting at Marjory Stoneham Douglas High School in 2018 nearly took it to overflowing.
Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell shepherded the Get Us a New Site (GUNS) bill through the chamber relying on the support of ten Democrats who, in addition to all fifty Republicans, were scared shitless of their 2nd Amendment-obsessed constituents and the potential loss of campaign contributions from gun manfacturers and the NRA. Following the vote, McConnell announced, “They said we wouldn’t take action even after putting forth so many thoughts and prayers. We have taken action in a way that should please those who have a vested interest in tiny, incremental steps chosen to not disturb the status quo. Now that we have done something, we are finished with this issue for the forseeable future.”
The new and deepest-to-date repository for thoughts and prayers will be situated in Uvalde to remind the families of the 19 fourth grade children and two teachers murdered in cold blood by one the United States’ 400 million guns currently in circulation just how much their politicians care about them. McConnell noted that the bill includes a provision to allow a representative of each family to operate the backhoe being used to dig the hole for 21 seconds in honor of “those who gave their lives for our freedom.”
At press time, representatives of every gun manfacturer and the NRA, and several staunch pro-gun politicians were gathering at the site to begin a ceremonial excavation of the hole using AR-15 military-style rifles, even though such rifles are intended to kill large numbers of people, rather than to dig holes or hunt or do target shooting. Each will then toss their own thoughts and prayers into the bottomless pit.