MOSCOW – Russian President Vladimir Putin today once again continued to show indications that he is losing his mind over his inability to quickly take over Ukraine, reprimanding the US government for providing javelins and shot put balls to Ukraine. The ruthless warmongering dictator, apparently now completely overcome by his rage, somehow managed to confuse the long, pointed spear-like pole used in sports competition with an American-made anti-tank weapon. Furthermore, Putin inexplicably included shot put balls, another piece of sports apparatus, in his bizarre statement on Russian state television.
The murderous tyrant was said by an oligarch close to him, who requested anonymity for fear of having his yacht confiscated, to be worried about Ukrainian athletes outperforming Russia in international sports competitions, which is Putin’s single most important measure of world prominence. The oligarch revealed that Putin gave orders to field commanders in Ukraine to seize all sports equipment at any cost and to ignore those portable 50 pound missile launchers aimed at their tanks.
Putin also demanded that the United States stop including Gatorade in humanitarian supplies being sent to Ukraine, because the sports drink is used to replenish electrolytes in exhausted athletes. He said that since Russia can’t get it anymore, no one should get it.