WASKAGANISH – At the National Conference of Beavers, held this year on the shores of Hudson Bay, the large-toothed delegates heartily endorsed a resolution expressing their exhaustion at living up to expectations as a national symbol that have been promulgated by tourist boards throughout Canada.
The resolution to push back at the demands of both tourists and travel agencies was proposed by Kingston delegate Rachel Longtooth and seconded by an unknown beaver from Wood Buffalo National Park in northern Alberta who was completely unaware that he was a national symbol. A voice vote received unanimous approval and was followed immediately by a standing-on-their-tails ovation.
“Look, we’re all proud of our country, but this aimless swimming around in circles with a stick in my mouth to please the tourists has got to end,” said an angry Harry Flattail from Algonquin Provincial Park. “It’s embarrassing,” he continued, explaining that he had better things to do, like chilling in his lodge with a cold one and watching the Leafs game on his 30 cm big screen TV. Flattail had especially harsh words for the rich American college kids out to find nature on their summer break. “Those hosers lose their shit when I slap the water with my tail and dive under.”
At the dinner buffet of grilled bark, fried wood shavings, and chicken wings, many of the attendees from areas that rarely see visitors were candid in not realizing the burden that their compatriots were shouldering for all beavers. The sense of camraderie grew as the short brown bottles of lager were uncapped. Jacques Mangeur de Bois, representing Saint-Jean-sur-Richelieu, made an impromptu plea to ask all beavers to pull together in the push toward rebellion. “Nous vivons ensemble! We live together!” he said, wiping a tear from his eye. This show of solidarity from the Quebecois led to a sing-along to the classic of the same name by another national symbol, singer/songwriter Gordon Lightfoot. When reached for comment, Lightfoot gave his support to the beavers and indicated he’d be writing a song about their struggle.
At press time, American bald eagles were watching the live proceedings intently on the Animal Planet channel and considering their options.