BELGRADE – The world’s no. 1 men’s tennis player, Novak Djokovic, said in an interview today that he is not anti-farting in spite of his continued refusal to fart both on- and off-court. Djokovic made it abundantly clear that he absolutely will not pass gas even after being assured by medical professionals that it is safe and beneficial to do so, especially after a stir-fry of cabbage, cauliflower, and broccoli. The Serbian tennis star declared that he would not compete in future Grand Slam events if he was required to let one fly just before a serve, in the locker room, or during a post-match press conference.
Djokovic has long held the opinion that choosing to fart is an individual right and it should be his choice to hold it in until it dissipates in his colon. He insists he is doing what he strongly believes is best for his own gastrointestinal system, but that he has an open mind and hinted that with the right medical advice and evidence, someday he may crop dust while walking off the court.
Several fellow players, who all wish to remain anonymous, have publicly supported Djokovic by refraining from cutting the cheese on-court, particularly when around a certain blonde ball girl with an adorable ponytail, killer legs, and a sweet smile who is a college freshman at Columbia. All admitted, however, that they have been known to ease out a silent but deadly one or two while in the locker room showers.
A spokesperson for Australia’s Immigration Minister Alex Hawke reiterated that the decision to revoke Djokovic’s visa on “health and good order grounds, on the basis that it was in the public interest to do so” was the correct one. The spokesperson said that 80 percent of Australians have rejected the anti-fart doctrine, an especially important decision in light of the country’s high consumption of beer, adding “We cannot tolerate the discomfort of our citizens by silencing their butt burping, and we cannot have a high-profile anti-farter having a platform to rip on farting and trumpet his beliefs.”