Month: February 2022

Baby Shark And Family To Remove Music Catalog From Spotify

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THE SEAS – Baby Shark and its family are the latest high profile musicians to direct Spotify to remove their music catalog from the popular service over the continued misinformation regarding COVID-19 and the vaccines promoted on the Joe Rogan Experience podcast. The Shark family was said to have demanded that its entire catalog of one song be taken off Spotify immediately. Although “Baby Shark” achieved record You Tube views and continues to drill into the heads of parents nationwide, its removal is expected to have little impact on Spotify’s profits since no child anywhere has simply listened to the song, but instead has wanted to stare into a screen and sing along with the repetitive and hypnotic video.

The family decided to take action after legendary musician Neil Young gave Spotify an ultimatum: Young or Rogan, but not both. Every single person stopped on the street for a comment on the Shark family decision commended them, but admitted they would reluctantly choose Rogan to get one step closer to never hearing that damn “Baby Shark” earworm again.

The Sharks made it clear that they wholeheartedly support vaccination and stated that Mommy Shark, Daddy Shark, Grandma Shark, and Grandpa Shark have all received both doses of the Pfizer vaccine as well as the booster. They indicated that Baby Shark will get the vaccine as soon as it is approved for aquatic mammals under the age of five.

When asked to comment, Baby Shark said “Doo doo doo doo doo doo.”

BREAKING: Belichick Smiles

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FOXBORO – Word spread like wildfire around the offices and locker room of the New England Patriots that Head Coach Bill Belichick was seen smiling today. A source, who requested anonymity for fear of losing his job for revealing that Belichick’s countenance was anything other than RBF (Resting Belichick Face), leaked this surprising news just minutes after it happened. Speculation as to what prompted this historic occasion ran rampant throughout the organization. Suggestions ran the gamut from the Bucs loss to the Rams, to being shown an article from The Onion, to seeing a photocopy of someone’s butt left next to the Xerox machine. The source confirmed that the once-in-a-decade event occurred after Belichick heard the punchline to a knock-knock joke. Within seconds Belichick’s visage was back to normal, much to the relief of the team’s PR department who could pretend it never happened.

At press time, ESPN producers were trying to decide which talking heads would discuss this for an hour on tonight’s broadcast.

Bent Carrot? What About Us Guys With Rutabaga Balls?

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Guest Commentary

by Joe Testamotto

You’ve all seen the bent carrot commericials on late night TV, right? You know, the ones for the sadsacks with a crooked boomstick. Some sort of thing called Peyronie’s Disease, or PD. Take this pill and do stretching and pulling exercises on your love plunger, they say. Stretching and pulling? Is this some sort of Saturday Night Live skit? And ol’ Johnson’s gotta take a vacation for a month? WTF?

But I digress…

There are worse problems to have down in the Pleasure Pit than a trouser snake that doesn’t swim straight. Case in point: my enormous balls. I am not joking when I say that they are the size of rutabagas. Good thing for me that I can get away with the baggy pants thing even if the boys in the shop razz me that it’s so 90’s. They don’t know about the boys in my shop!

I spent some time Googling about this, you know, doing my own research. Nah, who am I kidding? I was on PornHub. Anyway, an ad popped up for this drug to treat Minajcousinfriend Symdrome, or MCFS. It sounded just like what I have. Turns out I’m not the only one with bloated nuts!

So what am I supposed to do about these dangling 100 carat family jewels anyway? First, take the pills. Well, duh. Then comes the part I’m doing only in the privacy of my own bedroom with the lights turned down low and Barry White music in the background. I gotta massage those rutabagas, squeezing them and pinching the tops. Hey, no problemo! I got some experience with my girlfriend’s–hey, say no more. You catch my drift, bro?

You know, now that I look at my ramrod it might not go so straight down the barrel after all. Gotta pop that pill too and do some stretching and pulling, I guess. Can’t get my rocks–I mean, boulders–off for a while though. Don’t call me. I’m gonna be busy for the rest of the month doing my exercises.

Punxsutawney Area Groundhogs Cram Silly Looking Man Into Hole In Tree

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GOBBLER’S KNOB – World-famous groundhog Punxsutawney Phil and his fellow rebels crammed one of his former handlers into Phil’s former prison in a tree where the man will apparently live in solitary confinement until next February.

The successful uprising began when Phil reportedly stirred up a revolution of area groundhogs over their exploitation by a bunch of silly looking men with ridiculous top hats and long black wool coats who seemed to think the year was 1895. The unruly bunch of rodents freed Phil from his arboreal jail then turned to the men, baring their teeth. The pompous dilettantes ran, swinging their canes at their pursuers.

Head Handler Phinneas J. Pharkleman was soon cornered and surrounded by the angry woodchuck mob. Millions of Americans continued to watch the events unfold live on NBC’s Today as the freedom fighters shoved the terrified fop onto the stage, hoisting him up on his own intricately carved walnut walking stick.

“When’s Spring coming, Pharkleman?” Phil sneered. “I’ll give you a clue! It ain’t! You’ve got 12 months of a very dark winter ahead! Ha ha ha ha!”

At that point, the jubilant groundhogs grunted and pushed the dandy butt first into Phil’s former hollow, his arms and legs filling in the gaps until he looked like some carnival freak. Pharkleman begged for his release as his tears fell onto his neatly creased white silk blouse then with one final shove to his shoulders, the popinjay was entirely squeezed into his new tree cavity home. Phil raised a paw in victory and slammed the door shut, crushing Pharkleman’s beaver felt hat as flat as a pancake.

Today weatherman Al Roker took one last look at the spectacle, then turned to the camera, “And now here’s what’s happening in your neck of the woods…”

Thomas Bradey To Join UMass 2022 Football Spring Newcomers Squad

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AMHERST – University of Massachusetts Athletics announced today that Thomas Bradey of Tampa, Fla. is the latest recruit to its 2022 Football Spring Newcomers Squad, joining the thirteen players already named. Bradey was discovered during a football camp for high school students held by the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Fellow participants in the camp universally agreed that Bradey was the best player among all of them and said that they learned a lot from him.

UMass Minutemen scout Colin Moriartey was impressed with Bradey’s standout skills, even though he was concerned that Bradey’s passing success seemed to hinge on getting to know his favorite receiver well. Moriartey was also concerned that Bradey looked a bit old to be a high school senior, but wrote it off to hard work on the gridiron. He said he would have liked to hear the opinion of Bucs QB Tom Brady on Bradey’s skills and prospects for the future, surmising that Brady probably had to cancel his attendance at the camp due to his recent announcement to retire from football. Still, Moriartey went ahead and offered Bradey a full scholarship contigent on his joining the football team.

The Massachusetts Daily Collegian student newspaper prematurely reported that Bradey accepted the offer to attend and play football for the university, but at the time Bradey quickly corrected them. “I’m still going through the process,” and “I think when the time’s right, I’ll be ready to make a decision one way or another,” he said.

Minutemen Head Coach Don Brown was reportedly thrilled to have Bradey on his team, saying, “This kid has the potential to become the Greatest Of All Time.”