Guest Commentary
by Joe Testamotto
You’ve all seen the bent carrot commericials on late night TV, right? You know, the ones for the sadsacks with a crooked boomstick. Some sort of thing called Peyronie’s Disease, or PD. Take this pill and do stretching and pulling exercises on your love plunger, they say. Stretching and pulling? Is this some sort of Saturday Night Live skit? And ol’ Johnson’s gotta take a vacation for a month? WTF?
But I digress…
There are worse problems to have down in the Pleasure Pit than a trouser snake that doesn’t swim straight. Case in point: my enormous balls. I am not joking when I say that they are the size of rutabagas. Good thing for me that I can get away with the baggy pants thing even if the boys in the shop razz me that it’s so 90’s. They don’t know about the boys in my shop!
I spent some time Googling about this, you know, doing my own research. Nah, who am I kidding? I was on PornHub. Anyway, an ad popped up for this drug to treat Minajcousinfriend Symdrome, or MCFS. It sounded just like what I have. Turns out I’m not the only one with bloated nuts!
So what am I supposed to do about these dangling 100 carat family jewels anyway? First, take the pills. Well, duh. Then comes the part I’m doing only in the privacy of my own bedroom with the lights turned down low and Barry White music in the background. I gotta massage those rutabagas, squeezing them and pinching the tops. Hey, no problemo! I got some experience with my girlfriend’s–hey, say no more. You catch my drift, bro?
You know, now that I look at my ramrod it might not go so straight down the barrel after all. Gotta pop that pill too and do some stretching and pulling, I guess. Can’t get my rocks–I mean, boulders–off for a while though. Don’t call me. I’m gonna be busy for the rest of the month doing my exercises.