GOBBLER’S KNOB – World-famous groundhog Punxsutawney Phil and his fellow rebels crammed one of his former handlers into Phil’s former prison in a tree where the man will apparently live in solitary confinement until next February.
The successful uprising began when Phil reportedly stirred up a revolution of area groundhogs over their exploitation by a bunch of silly looking men with ridiculous top hats and long black wool coats who seemed to think the year was 1895. The unruly bunch of rodents freed Phil from his arboreal jail then turned to the men, baring their teeth. The pompous dilettantes ran, swinging their canes at their pursuers.
Head Handler Phinneas J. Pharkleman was soon cornered and surrounded by the angry woodchuck mob. Millions of Americans continued to watch the events unfold live on NBC’s Today as the freedom fighters shoved the terrified fop onto the stage, hoisting him up on his own intricately carved walnut walking stick.
“When’s Spring coming, Pharkleman?” Phil sneered. “I’ll give you a clue! It ain’t! You’ve got 12 months of a very dark winter ahead! Ha ha ha ha!”
At that point, the jubilant groundhogs grunted and pushed the dandy butt first into Phil’s former hollow, his arms and legs filling in the gaps until he looked like some carnival freak. Pharkleman begged for his release as his tears fell onto his neatly creased white silk blouse then with one final shove to his shoulders, the popinjay was entirely squeezed into his new tree cavity home. Phil raised a paw in victory and slammed the door shut, crushing Pharkleman’s beaver felt hat as flat as a pancake.
Today weatherman Al Roker took one last look at the spectacle, then turned to the camera, “And now here’s what’s happening in your neck of the woods…”