Month: February 2022

Pillow Guy Blames Cancel Culture For Cancelling Lease on Storage Unit Where Evidence Is Kept

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CHASKA, MINNESOTA – My Pillow CEO Mike Lindell said to a reporter today that cancel culture is alive and well and responsible for the cancellation of the lease on the storage unit where he is keeping the evidence of widespread fraud in the 2020 presidential election. In front of his unit at Acorn Mini Storage, the Pillow Guy railed at the company for padlocking his unit for no reason and said that it must be due to cancel culture trying to silence him. He put the blame squarely on “the illegitimate ‘President’ Biden, his corrupt Democrats, and woke liberals.”

Lindell exclaimed that the tiny 5×5 unit contained boxes and boxes of printouts of 0s and 1s from his Radio Shack TRS-80 computer, loudly assserting that the source of the data was a bundle of floppy disks hidden in a Standard Size My Pillow he found crammed into his mailbox one morning. Lindell proclaimed that the binary digits represent the secret codes used by voting machine manufacturers in collusion with the FBI, the CIA, Interpol, inspector Gadget, and Maxwell Smart to flip votes from Trump to Biden.

The Pillow Guy’s anger appeared to build when he suddenly ran around the storage facility, pointing at locker doors, and bellowing that his was the only unit that was double-padlocked and that it was proof that his lease was being cancelled. Lindell threatened to hold another three-day telethon to rail against corrupt storage facilities, promising to go into detail about how they have been plotting to cover up their bias against renting to conservatives. He promised 50 percent off on all My Pillow products to those who watched for the special discount code. Newsmax and One America News Network immediately agreed to air the entire event.

Raising his voice to a fevered pitch, Lindell accused the owners of the storage facility of being “traitors to Americans’ right to store things,” as Acorn’s office clerk handed him some papers. After quickly scanning them, he lowered his voice, continuing, “Uhhh, It says here they’ll take off the lock if we pay our overdue bill.”

Trump: “I Would Put A Norwegian ’10’ On The Supreme Court”

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PALM BEACH – Former twice-impeached President Donald Trump announced to no one in particular that when he soon returns to the Oval Office, he will name a young Norwegian blonde to the United States Supreme Court seat soon to be vacated by Justice Stephen Breyer. “She has to be a ’10’. That I can tell you,” he proclaimed from his Mar-A-Lago residence to the vast press corps of two reporters from Newsmax and OAN, while the cleaning crew quietly went about their work behind them.

Trump’s declaration alluded to his racist comments about “shithole countries” and his wish for more Norwegian immigrants. A spokesperson for the University of Oslo Law School expressed pride in its graduates, but echoed the words of Torbjoern Saetre, a local politician: “On behalf of Norway: Thanks, but no thanks.”

After leering at photos of Miss Norway winners, Trump chose 22 year old Nora Emilie Nakken of Trondheim who was crowned in 2021, saying “I don’t care about her qualifications! She’s almost as hot as Ivanka!” Trump bootlick Senator Lindsay O. Graham, who once called Trump “a kook” and “unfit for office,” said he would work with disbarred lawyer and Masked Singer contestant Rudy Giuliani to arrange a one-on-one interview between Trump and Ms. Nakken. Upon hearing the news, Ms. Nakken was seen running towards the nearest toilet to throw up.

After being contacted by Graham, Giuliani fell back on his bed and stuck his hand down his pants.

Life Cereal Kid Shocks America: He’ll Eat That Too

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MUNCIE – Local toddler Mikey, known for hating all food put in front of him except Life cereal and diced hot dogs, surprised all of America when he ate vegetables today. Mikey carefully studied the chopped up boiled broccoli and brussel sprouts in front of him, cautiously placed a tiny portion on his spoon, took in into his cute mouth, and paused. After chewing it, he shoveled half the small bowl’s contents into his tiny pie hole and banged his fists on the table in approval of his mother’s attempt to improve his diet.

“Mmlurggh!” he said in excitement as his friends, nursery school graduates Sammy and Joanie witnessed this historic event with looks of astonishment.

“He likes it! Mikey likes it!”, squealed Sammy with delight. Joanie looked at the spam and overcooked baby carrots on her plate with disgust and whispered to Sammy, “I bet Mikey won’t eat this shit!” She bided her time until Mikey’s mom started doing the dishes then slowly and silently slid her plate of food not fit for a dog down to Mikey. A horrified Joanie was transfixed on Mikey as he stirred it all together then scarfed down every last morsel of his oddly colored creation.

“You all finished your lunch! You’ve earned your dessert!”, beamed Mikey’s mom, setting down a bowl of green tea soy non-dairy frozen dessert in front of each of them. Sammy and Joanie simply stared at the melting abomination before them. Sammy, feigning a full tummy, squirmed to get out of his seat and ran away, with Joanie not far behind.

Meanwhile, Mikey threw his dish of the greenish semi-soft goo on the floor, started wailing when he heard his favorite Little Mermaid bowl smash to bits on the tile, and vomited his nutritious lunch all over his mother’s beautiful walnut dining table.

Spotify Down To Vanilla Ice, Nickelback, Joe Rogan

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NEW YORK – In an earnings advisory call, Spotify CEO Daniel Ek told analysts that he is certain that the departure of artists from the service has ended. Ek proudly announced that Spotify will retain Vanilla Ice and Nickelback as their leading artists, along with the Joe Rogan Experience podcast. In an offhand comment, he noted that Vanilla Ice and Nickelback are the only artists still on Spotify.

Ek expressed confidence in Spotify’s focused portfolio of artists pointing out that with the lack of competition from talented artists, Vanilla Ice’s “Ice Ice Baby” has rocketed to the number one spot on the service with three streams daily, earning Ice a “well deserved” commission of $0.009 per day. Nickelback’s performance on the service has not met expectations, according to Ek, who did not elaborate further.

Rogan’s show will continue in its present form, analysts were told, including the presentation of every possible mistruth about COVID-19, the pandemic, vaccines, and cures that do not stand a snowball’s chance in hell of working for even one single person. They were assured that Spotify is still working with Rogan to determine the best way for him to continue to generate huge profits for the company by continuing his unfettered crusade to dangerously mislead the American public, while still appearing to comply with the service’s recently announced rules.

Spotify’s multiyear contract with Rogan, allegedly worth at least $100 million, will continue. Ek revealed that in light of the large number of subscription cancellations and the cost of Rogan’s contract, Spotify would have to impose a small increase in their subscription fee. Effective March 1st, the monthly fee will be $2000.

“You can have Rogan and Vanilla Ice. Both.” Ek added.

BREAKING: Warning Given That Warning About Russia Invading Ukraine Could Come Soon

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WASHINGTON – In a hastily called press conference Secretary of State Antony Blinken today warned that a warning about Russia invading Ukraine could come as soon as this afternoon. Blinken made it clear that the situation has escalated to the level where there is the possibility that he may need to declare that there is a possibility that Russia may move its troops across the border into Ukraine.

He indicated that the State Department is closely monitoring the movement of Russian troops and equipment, but is not yet ready to give advice about when he will be able to issue advice regarding if or when an invasion is likely.

“We will inform you as quickly as possible as to when we can inform you with more concrete details,” Blinken said.

Liz Cheney Censured For Taking Knee At Super Bowl To Pick Up Dropped Hot Dog

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WASHINGTON – The Republican National Committee overwhelmingly voted to censure Representative Liz Cheney for taking a knee at the Super Bowl to pick up the hot dog she dropped during the halftime show. Cheney was on her knee for nearly one minute while she was reaching under her seat to find and retrieve the errant tube steak. RNC chair Ronna McDaniel said that Cheney’s unpatriotic act of disrespect and moral depravity was clearly timed to coincide with rapper Eminem taking a knee as Dr. Dre performed “I Ain’t Mad at Cha.”

An anonymous source, who wishes to remain so for fear of being censured a second time in just over a week, revealed that party members were dumbfounded that the NFL, an American institution that is paid by the US military at taxpayers’ expense to allow its patriotic displays before games, could allegedly allow such an insult to our troops by Cheney.

As Cheney dug around for the wayward hot dog, caught on the jumbotron for all to see, her stance stretched her jeans tight across her derriere, prompting right wing mouthpiece Charlie Kirk to tweet that the NFL had become a “league of sexual anarchy.” A confused Sean Spicer, press secretary for former president Donald Trump, added “What was the message of the half time show?”, which some believed was a reference to Cheney’s backside.

When asked for comment, Cheney said that the frankfurter was no longer edible and tossed it back under her seat.

Ornithologists Disappointed That Superb Owl Sunday Was Failure Once Again

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CINCINNATI AND LOS ANGELES – Owl enthusiasts were unsuccessful again this year in getting together to pay tribute to their favorite bird on what they have dubbed Superb Owl Sunday. The disappointment amongst the amateur and professional ornithologists was the Monday morning topic around office water coolers and elsewhere throughout the nation.

In Cincinnati, bird watcher Frank Greathorn had put together a “vote for your favorite owl” bracket and had arranged for his local group to have its yearly Superb Owl Sunday meetup at the local Hooters restaurant to announce the winner. As members arrived, wearing shirts emblazoned with likenesses of their favorite owls, they found that there were not any available tables and the bar area was standing room only. While speaking to the hostess, Greathorn could hear unusually raucous cheering and yelling at the televisions that seemed to be the focus of attention for the rowdy patrons.

Andrea “Snowy” Wheitoul of Los Angeles, a fan of the silent noctural birds of prey, was frustrated in her attempts to organize a Superb Owl Sunday potluck dinner and Powerpoint presentation for her friends at one of their houses. All of the women said that their husbands, boyfriends, or roommates had already planned to have their friends over to watch something or other on TV, eat nachos and wings, and get wasted on light beer.

Similar situations were seen in cities and towns all across the country. Bars and restaurants, especially those with TVs, were said to be have been packed. Empty boxes from big screen TVs were curbside at houses where people who seemed to completely misunderstand the meaning of Superb Owl Sunday had gathered.

Greathorn was dumbfounded as to why their traditional date of the first Sunday in February, postponed a week this year because of the pandemic, wasn’t like all the other uneventful Sundays in winter. He was reluctant to change the date, however, because “everyone has set the day aside since we first celebrated the Superb Owl with our humble beginnings in L.A. 56 years ago.”

“Who would have thought this would happen? Who, who, who?” Greathorn moaned.

Why Was My Mailbox The Only One On the Street That Wasn’t Smashed?

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by Carl Susafone, resident of Deer Run Acres

This morning I opened my front door to get my Sunday paper and was horrified at the sight before me. My mailbox was intact. I first noticed that all the other mailboxes as far as I could see had been smashed and I shrugged it off, but my disinterest turned to incredulity when I saw my own looking as good as it did in the display at Home Depot. Why not mine? I felt an emptiness in my gut even after a breakfast of three eggs, a pile of bacon, a short stack, and two slices of toast. What’s wrong with me?

I can’t figure it out. It must have been a carload of those juvenile offenders from Pleasant Orchard driving over here in Joey’s daddy’s convertible, armed with baseball bats. They’ve been nothing but trouble since Joey got his license. But why did they skip my house? Am I not cool enough to warrant meaningless vandalism? I’ve called the cops on them and written several letters to the editor before this rampage. I caught them red-handed egging the skeleton in Joan and her kids’ annual Halloween graveyard display and ratted them out to their parents. Isn’t that enough?

It’s mindboggling, really. Fred and Ethel next door hire one of them to mow their lawn and I hear they pays the kid well. Shayna and Manny across the street pay some strapping jock, I think he’s the high school quarterback, to clean the pool something like three times a week while Manny is at work. Hey, pools don’t get dirty that fast, if you get my drift. Their mailboxes were flattened like pancakes, but not mine. Dwayne and Luwanna’s girls are in a pickup soccer group with a bunch of the Pleasant Orchard kids. It was a homerun for some slugger with their mailbox. It ended up two houses down in Artie’s front yard. But no, my pristine mailbox still sticks out as a beacon of embarrassment. I know I’m the laughing stock of our cul-de-sac. How can I face our neighbors ever again?

I’m calling a real estate agent tomorrow.

Marjorie Taylor Greene Turns Sights on Schumer’s Clam Chowder Police

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WASHINGTON – After Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene accused House Speaker Nancy Pelosi of using her “gazpacho police” to spy on members of Congress, their staff, and the American people, she has now set her sights on Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer’s “clam chowder police.”

Greene lambasted Schumer for using his two divisions, New England and Manhattan, against GOP senators for the same purposes as those of Pelosi’s cold soup aficionados. Greene spun a tale of how the New England group, working together with their region’s world famous liberal universities, Harvard and the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT), are developing ingestible microchips to spy on the activities of those who eat them. The devices would be embedded in the oyster crackers that are traditionally scattered on top of the creamy, rich clam chowder favored by New Englanders. A targeted beam from Jewish space lasers would then be used to activate the microchips, she claimed.

Schumer is also directing the New York group, according to Greene, in their “Manhattan Project,” which will insert the microchips in the potato cubes that are essential to the savory tomato-based broth used in its version of clam chowder. Greene proposed that the lasers must be adjusted to compensate for the soup’s Communist-red color.

When asked for evidence, Greene explained that the Senate dining room frequently offers either New England or Manhattan clam chowder on its menu. She also noted that the beams from Jewish space lasers, invisible to the human eye, could heat the chowder to temperatures high enough to burn the roofs of the mouths of Senators.

Greene suggested to her colleagues that there are no minestrone police, so that delicious soup is safe to consume.

Law Firm Dewey, Cheatham & Howe Puzzled Why They Haven’t Had A Single Client In Two Years

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CAMBRIDGE – Principal and founder John Dewey of law firm Dewey, Cheatham & Howe is astonished as to why they haven’t been able to secure a single client since they established their practice two years ago. Their plush office, only footsteps from prestigious and world renowned Harvard University and upstairs from the World’s Only Curious George Store, occupies a prime location according to Dewey.

In an interview with the Cambridge Chronicle, Dewey stressed that the fundamental belief underlying their firm is honesty in dealing with their clients.

“The furthest thing from our minds is to cheat them,” added partner Jane Cheatham. “Don’t you agree, Andy?”

“And how!” exclaimed Andrew Howe, the junior partner in the firm.

Dewey was confounded that their sponsorship of Car Talk on NPR didn’t have clients beating down their doors over the dishonest and deceitful mechanics alluded to on the show. Dewey proudly proclaimed that they give all their clients “a quote for our work that you can depend on to be fair and reasonable. That’s what the name Dewey, Cheatham & Howe stands for.”

Cheatham announced she is leaving effective tomorrow after not having made a cent since joining the firm. Dewey reported that Cheatham would be replaced by Harvard Law School graduate Abigail Flesum.

“Maybe a young, fresh-out-of-school partner is what we need to revitalize ourselves,” Dewey mused. “Dewey, Flesum and Howe. I like the sound of that.”