NEW YORK – Executive at Mars Incorporated are scrambling to put together a face-saving press release after the Green M&M announced that she has “a peanut in the roastery”. Just days ago the company made a surprise announcement that the family of colorful candy-shelled lenticular chocolate treats would be more “inclusive”. A key part of the strategy was to tone down the overwhelming sexuality of the Green one.
The announcement, made on the Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, did not shock the billions around the world, who eat the sweet morsels with absolutely no regard for the social implications of what the brown-bagged morsels represent. Fallon, nevertheless, pressed the sexy, seductive member of the M&M clan to identify the father. She hedged, finally admitting that she isn’t sure. Gossip tabloids are speculating that the sultry Green had a secret thing going with Red, being captivated by his bossy, domineering personality, while others think she made Orange her “project”, focusing on his paranoia. All agreed that she could see right through Blue’s attempts to woo her into his dish.
A high-placed source at Mars, speaking on condition of anonymity, shared secret recordings of a top-level huddle, at which execs were sweating over the influence that the supermarket tabloids have to change opinions of the average American.
“Can we say that Green will have an immaculate birth? It worked for Baby Peanut. He just sprouted up from the ground,” suggested Marketing Director Michaela Moulton.
“It won’t fly, Michaela,” an exasperated Public Relations VP Mary Marston sighed. “We could try the surrogate angle. We could promote Brown as today’s career woman who enlisted Green so she could add ‘mother’ to her resume. Nah, what am I thinking.”
“Let’s face it. Green has a loose shell and everyone knows it,” admitted newly appointed Chief of Diversity and Wokeness Michael Miller while nervously stuffing his maw from his fifteenth package of the anthropomorphized unmeltables.
At press time the desperate execs were trying to decide which M&M would eat Green and hoping she would then be quickly forgotten.