BOSTON – As the Northeast braces for a monster snowstorm, workers could be seen pasting up a new message on the 250-foot billboard along the Massachusetts Turnpike. The striking red and yellow colors, evoking a sense of flames and heat, will draw drivers’ attention to the pitch to make Hell the new winter vacation destination, according to Satan Underling of Propaganda Joseph Goebbels.
“We’re sure our slogan, ‘It’s hot here… but don’t get burned!’ is catchy enough to get lots of interest from Bostonians and, we hope, lots of what we like to call ‘visitors’,” Goebbels added.
Satan, Prince of Darkness, was watching the Weather Channel all last week, seeing snowstorms over the sinner-ridden United States, when he got the idea to lure the miscreants away from their miserable, freezing, winter existence to his place of eternal temptation, reported the Beelzebub Times, Hell’s premier newspaper.
“Damn, they’re living in a frozen hell up there,” mused The Evil One.
Hell’s Greeter and Bartender Saddam Hussein pointed out the tropical bar just inside the gates, the Lower World’s only inferno-free zone, named Lucifer’s Oasis in honor of The Fallen Angel himself. Saddam drew delight as he recalled how easily it draws the rubes through the Arch of Hades.
During the month of January, Hell is offering a Satan’s Special: a 50 percent off voucher for flights from Boston’s Logan Airport, not including the return leg. “We don’t think our visitors will be leaving–I mean, want to leave,” Goebbels said with a grin some might say was sardonic. “How’s that for turning up the heat on great deals! We’re coming for you, Aruba!”
“Don’t forget to tell them that masks and vaccinations aren’t required!” shouted Satan from his throne above a fiery sea of Al Qaida martyrs.