Month: January 2022

BREAKING: Spotify Implements Half-Assed Misinformation Measures, Joe Rogan Responds

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NEW YORK – Spotify CEO Daniel Ek today announced half-assed measures to address medical misinformation on the platform in response to criticism and action taken by high-profile artists and podcasters. The cover-your-ass measures, which won’t actually change a damn thing, were prompted by Neil Young, who gave an ultimatum to Spotify: “They can have Rogan or Young. Not both.” Spotify said that they would honor Young’s “request to take down his music,” twisting his words in an attempt to avoid responsibility and not offend Rogan, their golden cash cow, and gave an unceremonial boot to the music legend.

Ek explained that the company had not been transparent for many years regarding its secret content rules that it didn’t actually have until they were written a week ago. The rules, disclosed only when public pressure forced Spotify to do so, prohibit medical misinformation on their podcasts that would pose a danger to public health, particularly with regard to COVID-19 vaccines. As The Joe Rogan Experience could be heard playing in the background, Ek insisted he was serious about the rules, adding, “But we’re still working on how to apply these rules to podcast hosts that are generating enormous profits for the company.”

Ek proudly cited the new content advisory for programs that mention COVID-19, expected to be as meaningless and ineffective as those on Twitter and Facebook. “We plan on running the advisory often. As of today it will be daily sometime between 3:30 and 5:00 am.”

Responding to a press question regarding Rogan, Ek replied, “As we see it, since the pandemic began, Joe Rogan has been in full compliance with our vague rules that have many loopholes.” When told that his rules were “half-assed,” Ek retorted, “We look at the ass as half-full. You guys always look at it as if it’s half-empty!” Ek did not characterize Joe Rogan’s ass.

After Rogan’s podcast was finished for the day, he was spotted in an Agway feed store parking lot. When asked for comment on Ek’s announcement, Rogan took another swig out of his piss-filled water bottle and laughed as he went inside to pick up another bottle of horse dewormer.

Nation’s Private Health Insurers Announce Support For Private Health Insurance

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ST. TROPEZ – A spokesman for the private health insurers’ trade group, America’s Health Insurance Plans, announced today that they have decided to fully support private health insurance as the right choice for America. Intern Kevin Coggshell delivered the news of the results of his groundbreaking research from the podium at the luxurious Cheval Blanc St. Tropez resort on the French Riviera, site of this year’s annual convention.

“The conclusions of my comprehensive, no-stone-unturned three-day study were definitive. Notwithstanding the fact that all other developed countries in the world have government-run national health insurance systems that provide healthcare virtually free for all citizens, the only viable choice for the United States is a system based entirely on for-profit private health insurers.”

Not being used to addressing a crown of billionaire healthcare CEOs, Coggshell’s voice was quavering as he continued, explaining that in his painstaking study he glanced at hundreds of choices, including private health insurance and nothing else. “No other solution besides private health insurance will generate such through-the-roof record profits year after year,” Coggshell asserted. He professed that the study could stand up to rigorous objective scrutiny by every single person in the room.

Coggshell received a hearty round of applause followed by the filthy rich CEOs raising their glasses of rare and outrageously priced 16-year-old Lagavulin scotch in a toast, directing their assistants to rise in a standing ovation, as they sat in their plush leather overstuffed chairs puffing on their illegally imported Cuban cigars.

At the cocktail party that evening, a drunk and repentant Coggshell could be heard mumbling to himself, “If only they had let me include Medicare,” as he wondered how he would find the money for the copay for his upcoming liver transplant.

Mars, Inc. Panics As Green M&M Announces Pregnancy

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NEW YORK – Executive at Mars Incorporated are scrambling to put together a face-saving press release after the Green M&M announced that she has “a peanut in the roastery”. Just days ago the company made a surprise announcement that the family of colorful candy-shelled lenticular chocolate treats would be more “inclusive”. A key part of the strategy was to tone down the overwhelming sexuality of the Green one.

The announcement, made on the Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, did not shock the billions around the world, who eat the sweet morsels with absolutely no regard for the social implications of what the brown-bagged morsels represent. Fallon, nevertheless, pressed the sexy, seductive member of the M&M clan to identify the father. She hedged, finally admitting that she isn’t sure. Gossip tabloids are speculating that the sultry Green had a secret thing going with Red, being captivated by his bossy, domineering personality, while others think she made Orange her “project”, focusing on his paranoia. All agreed that she could see right through Blue’s attempts to woo her into his dish.

A high-placed source at Mars, speaking on condition of anonymity, shared secret recordings of a top-level huddle, at which execs were sweating over the influence that the supermarket tabloids have to change opinions of the average American.

“Can we say that Green will have an immaculate birth? It worked for Baby Peanut. He just sprouted up from the ground,” suggested Marketing Director Michaela Moulton.

“It won’t fly, Michaela,” an exasperated Public Relations VP Mary Marston sighed. “We could try the surrogate angle. We could promote Brown as today’s career woman who enlisted Green so she could add ‘mother’ to her resume. Nah, what am I thinking.”

“Let’s face it. Green has a loose shell and everyone knows it,” admitted newly appointed Chief of Diversity and Wokeness Michael Miller while nervously stuffing his maw from his fifteenth package of the anthropomorphized unmeltables.

At press time the desperate execs were trying to decide which M&M would eat Green and hoping she would then be quickly forgotten.

Satan Promotes Hell As Winter Getaway

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BOSTON – As the Northeast braces for a monster snowstorm, workers could be seen pasting up a new message on the 250-foot billboard along the Massachusetts Turnpike. The striking red and yellow colors, evoking a sense of flames and heat, will draw drivers’ attention to the pitch to make Hell the new winter vacation destination, according to Satan Underling of Propaganda Joseph Goebbels.

“We’re sure our slogan, ‘It’s hot here… but don’t get burned!’ is catchy enough to get lots of interest from Bostonians and, we hope, lots of what we like to call ‘visitors’,” Goebbels added.

Satan, Prince of Darkness, was watching the Weather Channel all last week, seeing snowstorms over the sinner-ridden United States, when he got the idea to lure the miscreants away from their miserable, freezing, winter existence to his place of eternal temptation, reported the Beelzebub Times, Hell’s premier newspaper.

“Damn, they’re living in a frozen hell up there,” mused The Evil One.

Hell’s Greeter and Bartender Saddam Hussein pointed out the tropical bar just inside the gates, the Lower World’s only inferno-free zone, named Lucifer’s Oasis in honor of The Fallen Angel himself. Saddam drew delight as he recalled how easily it draws the rubes through the Arch of Hades.

During the month of January, Hell is offering a Satan’s Special: a 50 percent off voucher for flights from Boston’s Logan Airport, not including the return leg. “We don’t think our visitors will be leaving–I mean, want to leave,” Goebbels said with a grin some might say was sardonic. “How’s that for turning up the heat on great deals! We’re coming for you, Aruba!”

“Don’t forget to tell them that masks and vaccinations aren’t required!” shouted Satan from his throne above a fiery sea of Al Qaida martyrs.